Repentance - Chapter 12

CHAPTER 12:

**Bella POV**

I heard someone knocking on the door a while later and assumed it was Edward.

“Go away!” I cried.

“Bella? It’s Alice.”

I groaned. “It’s open.” I was too upset to move, so I let her push me as she opened the door. She stepped inside and closed the door and bent down to me.

“Bella, what’s wrong? Why is Masen screaming? Why are you in a towel? You’re freezing. Get up!” Alice pulled me to my feet and took her coat off, pulling it around me. She led me to the couch and I sat down before she disappeared down the hall to Masen’s room.

Once he was quiet, she returned. “Is he okay?” I asked.

Alice nodded her head. “What’s going on, Bella?”

“Why are you here, Alice?” It suddenly dawned on me that she came by unannounced.

“Edward asked me to come by. He said I needed to check on you and Masen. He sounded upset. What happened?”

I continued to cry and I couldn’t even look at her. I was ashamed and embarrassed. How could I have not known? “He was the one,” I whispered softly.

“The one, what? I don’t understand.”

I turned to look at her. “He is Masen’s biological father.”

Alice’s eyes grew large. “What? That means he...” she hesitated, “raped you?”

I nodded my head.

Alice shook her head. “What?? Edward?? How? Why? He seems so nice, and that doesn’t seem like something he would do.”

I told her everything he had told me.

“Wow, Bella. I’m so sorry. I’m shocked. I just cannot believe he would do something like that. It does sort of make sense now, though.”

“What do you mean, Alice?”

“Remember all the homemade ornaments we made for your Christmas tree?”

I nodded my head.

“Well, Edward seemed to be affected by a lot of the older pictures of you and Masen. He looked at all of them for quite some time. He even got choked up a bit after seeing the one of you and Masen leaving the hospital. He said you didn’t look happy.”

I sighed, still trying to comprehend everything. “I don’t know what to do, Alice. I’m devastated,” I cried. Alice pulled me to her and gave me a big hug.

“It’s okay, Bella. It will all work out, one way or another. You just need some time to digest everything and decide what you want. It could be worse, Bella.”

I scoffed. “What is worse than unknowingly falling in love with your rapist and having his child?!”

“A lot of things could be worse, Bella. You could never know who did it. It could have been some disgusting human being who is still out there doing it to other girls. It could be someone who gets off on hurting women. It could be someone with severe psychological problems who fathered your child. I could go on for days. The point is, Edward is none of those things. He’s sorry and although I don’t think he went about it the right way, he has tried very hard to make up for what he did, both in his own life, and yours.”

I shook my head, not fully ready to hear what she was saying.

“I’m not saying it makes it okay. I’m not telling you to forgive him. I’m just telling you how it is, and that it could be worse.”

I nodded my head.

Alice helped me get dressed and we shared a strong drink before she put me to bed. I slept in Masen’s room. I couldn’t bring myself to sleep in the bed that Edward and I shared.

The entire weekend was a blur. I wasn’t even ready to deal with the details of Edward’s admission. I had to take over the counter medication just to sleep. I wanted to feel numb, I didn’t want to think about it. I was so relieved when Monday morning came and I took Masen to daycare. I didn’t go to work; I called in sick.

Later that day I was curled up on the couch reading a book; anything to keep my mind off the previous days’ events. I froze when I heard a key turning in the lock on the door. Edward.

He came through the door, and looked surprised to see me. “Bella, I’m sorry. I didn’t think you would be here.”

“I didn’t go to work.”

“I just needed to get some clothes and whatnot.”

I nodded my head and went back to my book. He walked down the hall. I stared at my book, at the words on the page, but I wasn’t reading. I listened and waited for him to return. He did so about 15 minutes later. He was carrying a bag.

“I left some cash on our dresser, for you and Masen, groceries, whatever you need...”

I shook my head. “I don’t want it.”

He sighed. “Bella, please.”

I shook my head again and I felt the warm tears pooling in my eyes. I looked away from him. “I’m so mad at you, Edward!” I screamed as I faced him and let it out. “We were fine before you came into our lives! Yes, it was hard. Yes, I was poor, but we were making it! I was surviving! I didn’t need you! You came in and swept me off my feet, knowing what you did to me.” I cried. “Now I can’t afford this place, I can’t go back to where I came from, I can’t think straight!” I screamed. “I’m so disgusted with myself. I should’ve known. I can’t believe I’ve been sleeping with the person who did this to me, the person I hated for so long!”

Despite Edward’s best attempts, tears were falling over his cheeks. “I don’t know what to say, Bella. I know I’m sorry isn’t enough. It kills me to know that what I did is making you feel this way. I love you so much. I want to make everything better for you. I know it will take time, but please, find a way to forgive me. I can’t imagine my life without you and Masen in it. I’ll turn myself in, I’ll go to jail. I’ll do anything you want.”

I looked away from him, tears poured down my face. “You better start trying to imagine it, Edward. We’re not going to be in your life anymore,” I said coldly. “Go get your money, and get out. I haven’t decided what I’m going to do yet with regard to the legal aspect of it.”

Edward didn’t fight me. He went back to the bedroom and returned a moment later. “I’ll be at Rose’s if you need anything. I’m sorry, Bella.” He grabbed his bag and left.

I fell apart once he was gone. I could pretend all I wanted in front of him, but inside it was killing me. I couldn’t lie to myself, I loved him. It hurt me to see him hurting.

I pushed the thoughts aside and did some cleaning and grocery shopping before going to get Masen from daycare.

I went back to work the following the day and proceeded to get things as back to normal as I could that week. Masen asked about “Daddy” all the time and I did the best I could to cover for Edward. I didn’t want Masen to think Edward was a monster. I didn’t want to tarnish Masen’s impression of Edward. I hadn’t decided if I was going to allow Edward to see Masen on a regular basis or not.

***
The next few days were the hardest. It was harder than the few days following the rape. I kept trying to recall how I dealt with it, how I got through it. I couldn’t remember for the life of me. I didn’t know what to do. I mostly kept myself busy and tried to avoid my feelings. I thought if I could just forget about Edward, I would be okay. How could I forget? I suddenly saw so much of him in Masen. Their hair, their eyes, their smile. I even cut Masen’s hair really short one night, trying to make him look less like his father. I only went into our bedroom to shower and get dressed. I never slept there. I was certain the smell of him remained on the bed linens and I couldn’t sleep there.

Over the next few weeks, I still didn’t speak to Edward, or see him. I avoided the library like the plague, for fear of running into him. My grades were suffering as a result. A guy in one of my classes was helping me, though. His name was James, he seemed nice.

I dropped one of my classes and took a second job at night as a sever so I could pay the bills on my own. It helped me keep busy and keep my mind off my problems. Alice was wonderful and kept Masen while I worked evenings and went to class with no complaints.

Edward never stopped checking in on me. He would call, but I wouldn’t answer. He would send me text messages, telling me he loved me and that he’d wait for me to work through my feelings. I never responded. I wish he would just stop. My mother and Charlie had been calling and I hadn’t been answering their calls. I didn’t want them to know, I was too ashamed. I would return their calls when I knew they were working or unavailable so I could just leave a message and let them know I was okay.

I was at work one morning when I was surprised to see Rosalie come through the door. I hadn’t spoken to her since the night of Edward’s admission, and I was a little upset that she hadn’t even tried to contact me.

“Hey, Rose. What are you doing here?”

“I wanted to see if I could take you to lunch today, my treat.”

“Um, yea, I guess that would be okay. Let me find someone to cover the desk and I’ll meet you outside in a few minutes.”

She nodded her head and went outside. I met her outside a few minutes later and we walked in silence down the street to a local restaurant. We were seated and ordered our lunch before she broke the silence.

“Bella, I want to apologize for not being by to see you. I thought you would be mad at me.”

“I’m not mad at you. You’re his sister. I understand.”

She swallowed loudly. “Bella, he’s really torn up. He’s worried sick about you. He’s very sincere in his regret about what happened.”

“I know. It doesn’t change anything. You can let him know we are doing just fine.”

She looked away and I could see her eyes were beginning to water.

“I’m sorry, Rose. It’s nothing against you.”

“I just didn’t want it to be this way. He loves you. He loves Masen. Masen is my nephew. My parents have a grandson. I’m about to have a baby. Masen will have a cousin. I just wish you could let him back in, and let Masen enjoy his father, who isn’t a monster.” Rose rolled her eyes and shook her head, almost to herself. “I can’t believe I’m even taking up for him. I was so beyond angry, Bella. You have no idea. Edward may be an idiot at times, but he’s not a monster, or a career criminal, he made a mistake.”

I fought back tears. I hadn’t given much thought to Masen having a cousin, or another set of grandparents. I was being selfish.

“I need more time, Rose. I’m not ready. I haven’t wrapped my head around it yet. I’m heartbroken. You have no idea how much I loved him. He was like my saving grace, and to find out he was the person who did this, who I hated, who I feared every time it was dark and raining. You have no idea what that’s like.”

She nodded her head in understanding. “I’m sorry, Bella.”

We finished eating our lunch in silence.

“I’ve got to get back to the office,” I said.

Rose stood. “Bella, before you go, I wanted to give you this.” She pulled out a small black and white photo from her purse and handed it to me. It was a sonogram photo. “It’s a little girl,” she said, trying slightly to hide her excitement.

“Rose, she’s beautiful. Congratulations!” I hugged her tightly. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there.”

Rose shook her head. “It was my fault, but I want you to be there from now on. Even if you can’t forgive Edward, I still want you to be my friend.”

I smiled and hugged her again. “Of course, Rose.”

We said goodbye and I headed back to the office.

**Edward POV**

I couldn’t stand it anymore. It had been two months since I had seen Bella or my son. I went to the library every night that I could, hoping to see her. She was never there. I wanted to give her the space she needed. I didn’t want to rush her, but I was dying inside. It was driving me crazy that I didn’t know how she was, or how Masen was. I was using Rose as an informant. I knew I was driving my sister nuts. I finally decided I would just show up at our apartment, unannounced.

I knocked on the door, and was surprised when Alice answered.

“Hi, Edward.”

“Hey, Alice. Where’s Bella? She doesn’t have class tonight, does she?

Alice shook her head. “Come in, Edward.”

I stepped inside.

“Daddy!!!!” Masen squealed loudly and ran to me, practically crawling up me. I picked him up and held him tightly to me.

“Hey, buddy!” I kissed his forehead. “I’ve missed you so much.” It felt good to be able to show emotion towards Masen and not be fearful that Bella, or anyone else, would think it was strange, because they thought he wasn’t mine. Getting the horrible secret off my chest had its advantages and disadvantages.

“Where you go?” Masen asked, wondering where I had been.

I looked to Alice, not knowing what to say.

“Masen, your daddy has been busy at school and work,” Alice chimed in.

“You stay home now?” he asked, excited.

“Uh, no. I’m sorry, buddy. I just came by to visit for a few minutes.”

Masen pouted and hugged my neck tightly.

We all visited for a few minutes before Alice told Masen it was his bedtime.

“Can I put him to bed, Alice?”

“Of course, Edward.”

I carried Masen back to his room and got him changed into his pajamas. We both laid on the bed in the room. I could smell Bella’s shampoo and body lotion on the sheets. I looked around the room. Her pajamas were on the foot of the bed. She hadn’t been sleeping in our room.

I picked a book from his bookshelf to read to him. I spoke to him before I started.

“Masen, even though I can’t be here all the time, you have to remember I always love you, okay?”

Masen nodded his head, but I wasn’t sure he understood.

I hugged him and felt my eyes begin to water. I pushed back my emotions and began reading his story. He was sound asleep next to me by the time I finished. I put the book aside and carefully picked him up and put him in his crib.

I rejoined Alice in the living room.

“Thank you, Alice. Thank you so much. I haven’t seen him since...”

Alice nodded her head. “I know, Edward.”

I sat next to her on the couch. “Where is Bella if she isn’t in class?”

Alice took a deep breath and exhaled it slowly. “She’s at work.”

“Work?” I asked confused.

“Edward, she dropped one of her classes and took a second job, so she could pay for everything without your help.”

I gasped. “Why? She’s so stubborn. Does she even see Masen anymore?”

“Not much, actually. I would never tell her, but I’m exhausted. I wish she would let you help.”

“You don’t hate me?” I asked, surprised.

Alice shook her head. “I was mad at first. But, I’ve seen you with Masen and Bella. I know you love them both. People make mistakes, Edward. You made a huge one that had life altering consequences for Bella, but you’re trying to fix it. I know you would never intentionally hurt her or Masen.”

“I wish she could see that.”

“She knows. She’s just confused, Edward. She’s embarrassed. She doesn’t understand her feelings. She loves you, but she doesn’t think she should, because of what you did.”

I sighed and shook my head. “I don’t know what to do, Alice.”

“Just give her some more time, Edward. Don’t give up on her.”

“I’ll never give up.”

Alice hugged my neck and I hugged her back. It felt good to know that at least one person didn’t think I was a monster.

“You better get out of here; she’ll be home soon.”

I nodded my head and left, but I didn’t go far. I stood just around the corner for nearly an hour, waiting on her. I thought she was on the phone at first when I heard her laughing. I peaked around the corner and immediately felt the blood rush to the surface of my skin. James was with her. How did she know him? Why was she with him?

They went inside and I waited a moment for Alice to leave. Once she was on the elevator I went and knocked on the door.

Bella swung the door open quickly, probably expecting it to be Alice. Her face fell when she saw me.

“Yes?” she asked.

“Can I talk to you for a moment?”

“I have company.”

James came up behind her and placed his arm around her waist and I nearly threw up in my mouth. “She’s busy,” he said, glaring at me.

Bella glanced down at his hand on her waist, as if it was unfamiliar to her. “She can speak for herself, James.”

Bella looked between the two of us, wondering how we knew each other. “Give me just a minute, James.” Bella stepped outside with me and pulled the door closed.

“What the hell are you doing with him?” I asked.

“We’re studying for an exam. He’s in my class and he works with me at the restaurant. What are you doing here? How do you know him?”

“Bella, he’s dangerous. Please listen to me. You need to stay away from him.”

“He’s been nice to me, Edward.”

I wanted to scream. “Bella, his older brother was the president of the fraternity. They think women were only put on Earth to satisfy men’s sexual needs. He’s a predator. He’ll hurt you. I’ve seen the way he and his brother treat women. Please, Bella, stay away from him. I don’t want him near Masen.”

Bella rolled her eyes and interrupted me. “You’re being a little dramatic, Edward.”

“Damn it, Bella! I’m not!” I was nearly screaming. I couldn’t stand the fact that she was alone with that scum bag. I took a deep breath to calm myself. “I don’t want see you get hurt.”

Bella scoffed. “Edward, he hasn’t hurt me. You’re the one that hurt me. Why are you here? I need to get back inside.”

I pulled my wallet from my back pocket. “You don’t need to work two jobs. That’s ridiculous. You can’t possibly have enough time for Masen. Take this.” I handed her a large amount of cash. She pushed it back at me.

“Have you been talking to Alice? I don’t want your money, Edward.”

I growled. “Then let me help. Let Masen stay with me instead of Alice. She’s exhausted, Bella. She doesn’t even have a life because she’s too busy helping you with yours.”

I could see the tears pooling in her eyes. She knew it was true.

James opened the door and grabbed Bella’s hand. “Let’s go. Your time is up, Edward.”

I grabbed her other hand. “Bella, I’m just downstairs at Rose’s if you need anything. I can be here in a heartbeat.” I leaned down and whispered in her ear. “I still love you. I always will.”

The pained expression on her face let me know that she hadn’t totally given up on us yet. She turned and followed James back inside. I know it was stalkerish of me, but I couldn’t leave. I knew how he was. He would hurt her and I would hurt him. I didn’t even get to tell her the most important thing about him. I spent hours around the corner, sitting in the hallway like an idiot, listening for any disturbing sounds, but all was quiet. James left shortly before 1:00 a.m. Thankfully, there was no hugging or kissing from what I could see, just a simple, “I’ll see you tomorrow,” from Bella.

I was relieved and once I knew she was safe, I went back downstairs to Rose’s couch.


**CHAPTER 13 - CLICK HERE**