Repentance - Chapter 13

CHAPTER 13:

**Bella POV**

I was more than a little disturbed by Edward’s reaction to James. James didn’t really seem like that bad of a guy. He was really helping me in class. I wasn’t sure whether or not to believe Edward, or just assume that he didn’t want me around any other man. It killed me to see how tormented he was about it. He was right about Masen and Alice. I wasn’t spending enough time with Masen and I’m sure Alice was exhausted. I felt horrible, but I didn’t know what else to do. I refused to take Edward’s money. I dropped the rent off at the office the very next morning.

I was surprised to see an envelope taped to my door when I returned home from work the next evening. I went inside and got Masen dinner before returning to the envelope. I opened it and pulled out a note and my rent check.

Ms. Swan,

Mr. Cullen has paid the rent for the apartment for the next six months; therefore, I am returning your check to you.

Thank you,

Building Management

“Ugh! I knew he would do that.” I ripped up my check and threw it away. While Masen ate dinner, I went to get ready for my date with James. I was only going on the date for the hell of it. Although James seemed very nice, I had no interest in really seriously dating anyone. As much as I hated to admit it, Edward still owned my heart. I just didn’t want him to know it. I wanted to attempt to prove to myself that someone else could make me feel the way he used to. I had to know that Edward wasn’t the only person that could love me, or that I could love.

I sent Edward a text. You didn’t have to do that. I can pay the rent. - B

You wouldn’t have accepted it any other way. Stop acting like you have to do this all by yourself. Masen is my son. I can provide for him, you’re being selfish by not letting me. - Edward

Oh, he made me so mad! You were pretty fucking selfish when you raped an innocent girl just to get into a stupid fraternity so you wouldn’t disappoint daddy. I’ve got to get ready for my date with James now. Goodbye. -B

Damn it, Bella!! Why don’t you listen to me? Please tell me you’re just saying that to piss me off. He’s trouble, Bella. I’m serious. - Edward

I’m also serious. He’s here. Bye, Edward. - B

Bella, you’re killing me. I know you hate me, but I still love you. Please be careful. Call me if you need me. I’ll be there. - Edward

I sighed after reading his last text. Maybe he was being serious about James. It was too late now. Alice arrived, and I left with James.

***

James really wasn’t so bad. We actually had a pretty good time. We had a nice dinner and saw a movie and he didn’t even try anything. He kissed my cheek when I arrived home and that was it. Edward was totally over reacting. He blew my phone up that night, insisting I let him know when I was home safely. I did so, only because I didn’t want him showing up at the apartment.

I think I was more or less separating myself from him because I knew I was so vulnerable. Every time I saw him, I wanted to fall into his arms and for him to tell me everything would be okay, but I knew that was wrong.

I was busy cleaning the apartment later that weekend when there was a light knocking on the door. I was more than surprised to see Edward’s mother through the peep hole.

“Oh, God.” I said aloud. I quickly ran my fingers through my hair and straightened my shirt before opening the door.

“Hi,” I greeted her. “Edward is at Rose’s apartment.”

She smiled; it looked genuine. “Bella, I’m not here for Edward. I wanted to speak with you.”

“Oh. Okay. Come in.” I let her in and we sat awkwardly on the couch, as far away from each other as possible. “Can I get you something to drink?” I asked.

“Oh, no thank you. I’m fine.”

I smiled, unsure of what to do next. I was glad Masen was down for a nap so he wasn’t climbing all over her. She was wearing, what looked to be, a very expensive dress.

Esme took a deep breath. “Bella, Edward told Carlisle and I everything.”

I gasped and looked away. She scooted closer to me and grabbed my hand. “Bella, please, don’t be embarrassed. We have more in common than you think.”

I looked at her questioningly.

“There are some things I wanted to tell you.”

I nodded my head, wanting her to go on.

“Shortly after Carlisle and I were married, I was raped at a party. Someone slipped something in my drink. Carlisle found me after the fact. If he hadn’t of found me in the condition I was in, I wouldn’t have known. I physically felt the aftermath, but fortunately, I couldn’t remember it. That’s how Rose came along. She’s not Carlisle’s biological child.”

Wow. I was shocked to say the least. That explained a lot, about Rose anyway.

She continued. “Carlisle has always been harder on Edward than he was on Rose. I guess we both were. We just assumed that her father was a low life creep and that she wouldn’t have the potential that Edward had. Obviously, we were wrong. I mean, we don’t support all of her decisions, but she is my daughter, and I do love her. Once Edward told us everything, it really made me realize that we were really expecting too much of him and we didn’t realize how much pressure we placed on him when he was in college. Bella, since the day Rose was conceived, I thought that her father was a disgusting pig-headed monster. I’m sure you’ve had those same feelings.”

I nodded my head.

“I want you to know that Edward is not a monster.” She began to cry. “I’ve never been more disappointed in him in all my life and I feel partially responsible.”

I shook my head. “He made his own decision.”

“But we were so hard on him. We just wanted the best for him.” She shook her head. “I’m sorry. I just came here to tell you that he’s not a monster. He made a monumental mistake, but he’s terribly sorry. Masen is a beautiful child, Bella. I’m sorry about Thanksgiving. I had no idea. Carlisle and I just always assumed he would be with Tanya. We thought that since the day they were born, it was just how it was. I had no idea what happened between them. Edward never told me. Regardless of what happens between you and Edward, I’d really like you and Masen to be part of our family.”

I was crying now too. “I’d like that.” I hugged her neck.

“I’m so sorry this happened to you, Bella. You have to know that Edward loves you. I’ve never heard him speak so highly of another individual in all his life. I just recently found out that Rose and Emmett were married.” Her cries grew louder. “I’ve missed so much of my childrens’ lives because of my high standards. It’s so stupid, Bella. You cannot be concerned with what others think. You don’t want Masen to miss out on time with his father.”

I nodded my head. “I know. It’s just hard and confusing.”

“I can’t imagine. But, Bella, look on the bright side. You never have to worry about your son being a monster. Edward has a good heart. Masen will know his father. Rose never got a chance to know hers. However, your situation gives her hope, that maybe her father too, had just made a terrible mistake while under the influence of alcohol, that she isn’t the spawn of a monster. I am not condoning anything Edward did, Bella. I think it is disgusting, and I’m so terribly sorry. I think he deserves to be punished, and serve his time like anyone else. Bella, if that will help provide you with closure, please do not hesitate.”

I had not given it much thought, because I knew I couldn’t do it. For the longest time I wanted my rapist behind bars, so he couldn’t hurt other women, but Edward wasn’t out to hurt anyone. He was still Masen’s father, and I couldn’t take him away from Masen. I shook my head at Esme. “I don’t think it will help me. I think Edward is serving his time on a daily basis, just living with what he did.”

Esme sat there and cried for quite some time, continuously apologizing. We finally pulled ourselves up from the couch.

“Masen is napping, but you’re welcome to see him if you’d like.”

“Oh, Bella, I’d love to.”

We both walked quietly back to Masen’s room. He was sound asleep in his crib. Esme teared up. “I don’t know why I didn’t see it before.”

I laughed. “I say that to myself every single day.”

Esme turned to me and placed her hand on my arm. “Oh, Bella. You couldn’t have known.”

“I know, I mean, it’s not every day you see a handsome, well dressed guy walking down the street and you automatically assume that he was the one that raped you and fathered your child.” I said sarcastically as I rolled my eyes. “I just never dreamed it.”

Esme squeezed my hand. “He’s beautiful, Bella. He looks just like Edward did.” We both admired Masen’s shaggy copper colored hair and his fair skin. She turned to face me. “Please consider speaking to him. I miss seeing him happy. He was so happy around you.”

I sighed. “I’ll think about it.” We walked back to the front of the apartment and I thanked her for coming by. Esme told me about some of the non-profit work she did, which included counseling rape victims. She encouraged me to speak to someone, if not her, she would recommend a good friend of hers she works with. Although she said speaking to someone would really help me, I wasn’t sure if I was ready for that.

***

The following week came quickly and it was time for mid-terms. I desperately tried to get myself right in the head and focus on school.

I was completely freaking out. I couldn’t get a hold of Alice and I had a mid-term in 20 minutes. I had taken the day off work to study for it, but Alice said she’d be here before I had to leave for class. I paced the floor frantically back and forth. I flipped open my cell phone to start calling people. I noticed I had a missed call and voicemail. I listened to my message.

“Bella, it’s Alice. Sweetie, I’m so sorry. I don’t think I’m going to make it there before your class. Jasper is really sick. I think he’s got food poisoning or the stomach flu. I don’t want Masen to catch anything and I’m afraid to leave Jasper. Can you take him to Rose’s? I’m so sorry, I know it’s short notice. I thought Jasper would get better. Call me.”

I hung up the phone. “Crap!” I noticed it was on silent, which is why I must have missed her call. I was sort of angry, but at the same time, I knew it wasn’t her fault. I called Rose’s cell phone.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Rose. Are you home?”

“No, I haven’t left work yet. I’m trying to get some stuff finished up before the weekend.”

I sighed. “Do you know if Emmett is home?”

“No, he’s working tonight. What’s going on?”

“I’m late for one of my mid-term exams. Alice bailed on me, and I don’t know what to do with Masen. I can’t miss this exam. There are no make-ups. I’ll have to retake the class.”

“Oh, Bella, I’m sorry. I wouldn’t even it make home in an hour if I left right now. I talked to Edward a few minutes ago. He’s home, he doesn’t work tonight. Call him.”

I sighed. “I don’t want to,” I barely whispered.

“Bella, I know how you feel. I’m on your side. But, Bella, you know he isn’t a monster. He would never harm Masen. Ever. Just because you let him see his son, or let him help you out, doesn’t mean your giving in to anything. It doesn’t mean you are accepting what he did, or that it’s okay.”

Tears stung my eyes. I didn’t want to talk to Edward. Not now. I had to focus on my exam. I couldn’t deal with seeing him, and the emotions and pain it caused.

“Bella? Are you crying?”

I sniffled quickly and wiped my eyes. “No, I’m sorry.”

Rose sighed. “Bella, call him. Now.”

She sounded angry. “Okay, I’ll call him.” I didn’t want to piss Rose off. I needed her in my corner.

I hung up with Rose and took a deep breath before calling Edward.

“Bella?” he answered. “Are you alright?”

“Um, yea. I’m fine. I need a favor.”

“What is it?”

“I’m late for class. I have a mid-term and I don’t have anyone to watch Masen.” I could almost hear his smile on the other end of the phone.

“I’ll be right there.”

I sighed, relieved. “Okay.”

“Oh, and Bella?”

“Yea?”

“Thank you.” He hung up. My heart always felt so heavy after talking to him. Part of me felt like I was unrightfully punishing him by keeping him away from Masen, but the other part of me didn’t want the person that did this to me anywhere near my son. It was so hard for me to grasp that they were the same person.

“Masen, your daddy is coming to stay with you while I go to class, okay?”

Masen looked up from his highchair with wide eyes and a big grin. “Daddy!”

I couldn’t help but smile at his expression. It was then that I realized, not only was I punishing Edward, but I was punishing Masen too.

I walked over to him and kissed his forehead. “I love you. Be good, okay?”

Masen nodded his head and I heard a knock at the door. Masen started hitting his hands on his tray and screaming, “Daddy!”

I grabbed my bag by the door and swung the door open quickly. I couldn’t even look him in the eyes. I avoided his stare, and hurried past him. “Thanks,” I yelled as I went down the hallway.

“Bella!” he yelled after me.

I turned around, still avoiding his gaze. “Take my car, it will be faster.” He threw his keys to me and I just barely caught them.

I couldn’t turn down that offer. I was really running late and if I took the bus, I’d never make it in time. “Thanks, Edward.”

I was 30 minutes late to class and I was the last one to finish my exam. After the exam was over and I was the last person in the large classroom, I suddenly became very anxious. I had to walk past the library to get to Edward’s car. It was dark and raining. I hadn’t felt that anxious about the dark rain in a long time. I turned in my exam and exited the classroom. I stood at the large glass doors of the building as I looked out at a deserted campus. It looked so much like that night. I felt my chest tighten and I couldn’t breathe. I wanted to call Edward. I just wanted him to be on the phone with me, to be sure I made it to my car. I felt tears pouring over my cheeks before I even realized they were coming. The longer I stood there, the more anxious I got. I was so mad at myself for what I was about to do. I called Edward.

“Edward?”

“Bella? What’s wrong? Are you okay? Where are you?”

I hated how he could tell exactly how I was feeling, just by the tone of my voice. “I’m okay. I don’t want to talk about it. Will you just stay on the phone with me, until I get to my car?”

He sighed. I knew this hurt him too. “Of course, Bella.”

I opened the door and popped open my large umbrella. I was grateful I had on my tennis shoes. I took off running, I couldn’t stand to walk the same path I walked so leisurely that night.

I was out of breath by the time I got in my car and slammed the door. I was crying even harder. I couldn’t even speak.

“Bella? Are you sure you’re okay? Do you want me to come get you?”

“No, no. I’ll be okay in a few minutes,” I cried.

Edward didn’t say anything for a long time, he just listened to my sobs. I eventually couldn’t keep it inside anymore. I started screaming at him.

“Do you know how fucked up this is??!!” I yelled at him. “I’m terrified of what you did to me, I’m terrified to walk around this campus in the rain by myself, yet I call you when I’m scared of the very thing you did to me. You did this to me!” I screamed. “Do you know how fucked up that is?! Why do I turn to you?!” I cried.

Edward was silent, except for his muffled cries. “Bella...”

“No. Don’t. I don’t want to hear it.”

I heard Edward take a deep breath, trying to compose himself. I did the same. Once I had regained some composure, I asked, “Do you mind if I use your car to run a few errands before I head back?”

“Of course not. Take all the time you need.”

“Okay.” I hung up. I drove to the nearest Walgreens to pick up a few things, but I spent the majority of my time trying to collect myself in the parking lot. I ran to the grocery store before finally returning home.

I entered the apartment quietly. I could hear Masen giggling from down the hall, so I softly shut the door and set my groceries on the counter in the kitchen.

“Sting my song!” Masen yelled.

“You want me to sing your song?” Edward asked him.

“Yes!” Masen responded. I could hear the excitement in his response. I heard Edward begin to strum his guitar and my heart fell to the pit of my stomach.

“If I sing your song for you, you promise you’ll get in bed? Mommy will be so mad at me if she comes home and you’re still up. It’s way past your bedtime.”

“Yes! Yes! Yes!” I could hear Masen clapping his hands.

Edward continued playing the guitar. The most beautiful sound filled the air. As he began to sing, I stopped breathing.

I wish you freedom
I wish you peace
I wish you nights of stars
That beckon you to sleep
I wish you heartache
That leaves you more of a man
I wish I could be there
But I can't

I wish you places
That sit so still
Where people never ever change
and never ever will
I wish I could hold you
And make you understand
I wish I could be there
But I can't

Be good for your mama
Cause she'll need a hand to hold
Boy, she loves you
More than you'll ever know
There are rhymes and there are reasons
And times when nothing stayed the same
But you know my love still remains

I wish you wisdom
I wish you years
I wish you armies
To conquer all your fears
I wish you courage for all that life demands
I wish I could be there
But I can't

Be good for your mama
Cause she'll need a hand to hold
Boy, she loves you
More than you'll ever know
There are rhymes and there are reasons
And times when nothing stayed the same
But you know my love still remains

I wish we were together
I wish I was home
I wish there were nights
Where I was never alone
I know I've said it
But I'll say it once again
I wish I could be there
But I can't

I could feel my heart beating in my ears. I didn’t hear anyone else speak and I assumed Edward had put Masen to bed, perhaps he fell asleep. Tears poured over my cheeks, landing softly on the tile floor in the kitchen. For the life of me, I couldn’t understand how this Edward, was the same man that raped me almost three years ago. I couldn’t comprehend the feelings I had for him. I loved and hated him at the same time. It was the grandest and deepest form of love, and the most passionate and serious form of hate. I turned around just in time to see him enter the room. I wanted to look away from him, but I couldn’t. It was obvious by the surprised look on his face that he didn’t know I had come in.

“Did I upset you?” he asked softly.

I continued to cry, and nodded my head.

“I’m sorry, Bella. I didn’t know you were here.” He came towards me and wrapped his arms around me. For the briefest of moments, I wanted to give in. I wanted to let go, to melt into his embrace, but I couldn’t. I wouldn’t. I pushed at his chest, trying to free myself from his embrace, but he held firm. I pushed harder. “Let go of me,” I cried.

He released me immediately. I was unprepared to see his eyes filled to the brim with warm tears.

“I miss you so much, Bella.”

I shook my head at him. “No, Edward. Don’t.”

He hung his head.

“I think you should go now. Thank you for keeping Masen.”

He unenthusiastically nodded his head and began walking towards the door. I followed him.

He turned to me before he opened the door. “Bella, I love you. I’ll always be here for you. You don’t have to do this on your own. I’ll stay on the phone with you while you walk in the dark a million times...just to hear you breathing, just to know that you’re okay. I couldn’t save you that night; I hurt you.” He began to get choked up. “I’m so sorry, Bella. I promise, I’ll save you every night for the rest of your life if you would just let me.”

I sobbed uncontrollably. I wanted nothing more than to wrap my arms around his neck and feel him holding me. I wanted him to hold me all night. I stared at his glistening eyes for what seemed like a long time, debating what to do. I finally said nothing and opened the door for him to leave.

***Author’s Note: Thanks for reading! I hope you guys liked this chapter, it’s one of my favorites, because the song Edward was singing is one of my favorites. If you are unfamiliar with it, it is “Gavin’s Song” by Marc Broussard and it is simply beautiful. I hope you all have a great week! Thank you all so much for the reviews and comments, they are (mostly) encouraging. lol ;)

**CHAPTER 14 - CLICK HERE**