Repentance - Chapter 15

DISCLAIMER: This story contains sensitive subject matters that may not be appropriate for everyone. If you have a sensitivity to the topic of rape, you shouldn’t read this story. It is not meant to condone rape or offend anyone, it is a fictional story. Nobody is making you read it.

CHAPTER 15:

Edward, Emmett, Rose and I spoke briefly the following day. We couldn't really come to an agreement about what to do with respect to James. Of course, Emmett wanted to take him to jail himself, but Edward and I had our reservations. He would be free on bond practically the same day and I would still have to endure him through class, and I would have an even bigger target on my back until his court hearing. Edward went on and on about the secrecy amongst the fraternity brothers, all the money they and their families had, all the power. Edward wanted to wait, not forever, but long enough to keep an eye on the fraternity, and the news, long enough to gather several girls, and be believed. So many of the girls that were rapped on campus never even told the authorities. Edward estimated the numbers to be nearing 100 by now, and that was just since he was aware of it. It had been a tradition within the fraternity for years. Rumor was that one of the guys’ father’s was a crooked cop and helped them out of all the trouble they would get in.

Rose and I decided to make flyers to put around campus encouraging rape victims to report the crime. We also left an email address for people to get in contact with us. Rose and I went to campus at lunch that day and distributed the flyers to young women, as well as posting them on every bulletin board we could find. Edward was, of course, a little concerned. He said if the fraternity found out who was making the flyers, they would come after them. I knew that was a risk we had to take, but Edward and I were determined to stop them, and we thought it would be best to expose the fraternity and bring as many victims to light as we could. Edward insisted when we had power in numbers, and things were working in our favor, we would all go to the police together, Edward would turn himself in. We fought for hours and hours about that. I didn’t know what I wanted anymore. I just didn’t want him to be removed from Masen’s life, but Edward insisted they wouldn’t take us seriously any other way. We weren’t speaking when we went our separate ways that evening.

Needless to say I felt a little uneasy the next few days. Edward didn’t call. He didn’t text message me. He was giving me space. I wasn’t sure I liked it. I know that is what I said I wanted, but it just didn’t feel right. Nothing felt right without him.

It was Thursday afternoon and I was going to be getting off work in about an hour. I’d have to go straight to class. Alice was picking up Masen. I was starting to wonder if Edward remembered what he promised me when I heard my phone chirp. I pulled it out of it’s hiding place in my desk drawer.

I’ll pick you up at 5:00, if you still want me to. - Edward

I exhaled a deep breath I didn’t know I was holding. I was relieved. I really wanted to be in class tonight, to get my mid-term exam grade, if nothing else.

I do. I’ll see you then. Thank you. - B

I was completely unprepared for his next message.

Please choose your words more carefully. You’ve just said something I’ve only dreamt of hearing.

I wasn’t sure what he was talking about until I re-read my message to him. I do. I sighed loudly. I used to dream of marrying him. I felt a familiar lump forming in my throat as I began reminiscing, I forced the thoughts away. Why did he have to make things any more awkward than they already were?

Maybe if you would have chosen your actions more carefully, it wouldn’t have to be only a dream. - B

He responded almost instantly.

Point well taken, but it doesn’t stop me from dreaming. I’ll see you soon. I still love you. - Edward

I sighed and tossed my phone back into the drawer. How could it be possible that I still loved him? I didn’t love the person who did this to me. I hated that person, but I loved Edward. I was having such a hard time understanding how they were the same person. For so long, I had thought of the man who did this to me as a monster. A man who didn’t have one good bone in his body. A man who saw me as an object, not a person. Edward was none of those things.

Tears stung my eyes in frustration. I was so confused. I tried to busy myself with closing down the office. I checked my email, locked up, and headed outside to wait for Edward.

Edward was pulled up right out front, already waiting on me. I took a deep breath before getting into his car.

I slid into the seat and I couldn’t even bring myself to look at him. In a way, not only was I mad about what he did to me that night, but I was mad that he ruined my dream. My dream of marrying him and having a family for Masen.

Edward didn’t speak the entire way to campus. I just stared out the window. I think we were both lost in our own pitiful thoughts. He pulled into the roundabout in front of my building and placed the car in park.

“Thanks,” I muttered, before trying to get out of the car. The doors were locked.

“Bella?” He gently grabbed my wrist.

I turned to face him. I tried to avoid looking into his eyes, so I stared at his long fingers wrapped gently around my wrist.

“Look at me,” he begged.

I reluctantly glanced up at him. His green eyes pierced mine.

“I won’t be far. Call me if you need me. I’ll be here.” Edward sighed and ran his free hand through his hair nervously.

I knew that meant something was wrong. “What’s wrong?” I asked.

He hesitated for a moment, looking away from me. “I was just thinking about how proud I was of you, for doing this, for going back to class.” Edward let go of my wrist and fidgeted nervously with his jacket zipper, as he looked down. “I’m just suddenly nervous that I’m dropping you off directly in front of the line of fire. If he hurts you, it will be my fault.”

“Edward,”

He looked at me, our eyes met. “He can’t hurt me in class. I’ll be okay. It wouldn’t be your fault. I’m making this decision, you just encouraged it.”

Edward sighed. “Okay. Be careful. I’ll be back at 9:00, unless I hear from you otherwise.”

I nodded my head and squeezed his hand. “Thank you.”

***

The only good thing that happened in class was that I aced my mid-term. Everything else was excruciating. I sat in the back of the lecture hall. James was seated below me next to a large black guy with dreads whom I had seen him talk to many times before. It was obvious they were talking about me a lot. They would turn around and look at me while laughing or snickering about something. I tried to ignore them, but it was difficult. Other people in the class knew something was going on and I just prayed that the people seated around them couldn’t over hear their conversation.

I was the first one out of my seat when the professor dismissed us. I hurried down the steps of the lecture room and barged through the door. I didn’t want James to be able to catch up to me. I was walking so fast, I was nearly running. I turned a corner too sharply and ran into someone. I didn’t even have to look up to know it was Edward. It smelt like him, it felt like him.

I sighed, relieved. “I thought you would be outside,” I said, out of breath. I pulled on his shirt, dragging him forward with me.

“Why are you running? Are you okay?” Edward was running to catch up to me.

“Yes, let’s just go before he catches up.”

Edward and I hurried out of the building and once we were in the safety of the dark, we slowed our pace. I was nearly in tears, all of my frustration building up throughout the class. Edward walked next to me with his arm draped over my shoulders, pulling me into him. I wanted to push his arm away, but it made me feel safe, so I didn’t.

“It was awful, Edward!” I nearly screamed. “They just talked about me the entire time, made faces at me, and so on. It was like being in high school or something. I hate that he knows! I hate that the entire class probably knows now!”

Edward sighed. “I’m sorry, Bella. I guarantee you he wasn’t telling anybody what he attempted to do to you, or what I did. There’s a very tight secrecy amongst the fraternity brothers. Nobody speaks of it. Ever. Don’t let him get to you. You deserve to be there as much as he does. You just go in there and mind your own business, don’t even look in his direction. Once he realizes his immature behavior doesn’t get to you anymore, he’ll quit with the games.”

I thought Edward was right, and we walked in silence the remainder of the way to his car. Just before we reached his car, a light rain started to fall. Edward and I both looked at each other at the same time, an awkward moment passed between us. His eyes were full of sorrow and I decided to keep quite. He opened the passenger door for me and I quickly crawled inside.

When we arrived back to the apartment, Masen was already in bed. Alice greeted us briefly before heading home.

Edward and I stood uncomfortably in the entry way. It was like we were partaking in a staring contest or something. Neither one of us knew what to say. Neither one of us was willing to acknowledge that it was time for him to leave.

Edward finally broke the silence. “Are you sure you will be okay?”

I fidgeted nervously with the hem of my shirt. James knew where I lived, but surely he wouldn’t show up here. I wouldn’t allow myself to ask him to stay, so I said nothing. I let my body language speak for me.

Edward continued. “You don’t have to be alone, Bella. I’m not trying to rush you. I just want to make sure your safe. I would feel more comfortable if I stayed here. I will sleep on the couch and I promise I’ll stay out of your way.”

I knew I would rest easier knowing Edward was in the apartment with me. That made sense, and boggled my mind, all at the same time. Edward had hurt me in the past, but I knew that he would never hurt me now. If nothing else, I believed that.

“You don’t have to sleep on the couch. You can sleep in our room. I’ve been sleeping in Masen’s room.”

Edward looked down and exhaled a deep breath. “I cannot sleep in our bed, without you. I’ll stay on the couch.”

I couldn’t argue with that. I nodded my head and disappeared into Masen’s room. I was exhausted from the day and I feel asleep quickly.

I was in a park. It was a cloudy day, but it wasn’t raining. I kept feeling jolted, like someone was pushing me, but I couldn’t see them. I kept turning my head, looking for the cause. Eventually they were in front of me. James and the guy with the dreadlocks from my class. They were surrounding me. They were laughing and saying things to me, but I couldn’t understand them. I couldn’t hear. They each took turns pushing me, sometimes groping me and pulling at my clothes. I kept turning in circles, trying to find a way through them. That’s when I saw him. Edward. He was sitting on a park bench about 15 feet away. He was sitting with Masen. Masen was older, probably five or so. He was beautiful. He looked just like Edward. His hair had began to curl and I ached to touch it. I felt a strong pull at my waist and it broke me from gazing at Edward. James had removed my belt. He held it in both hands and popped it. They took turns hitting me. I continuously looked for Edward. He just sat on the bench. He looked so carefree. He nonchalantly covered Masen’s eyes from seeing what was happening to me. He made it out to be a game of peek-a-boo. “Help me!” I would scream at him, but it was as if he couldn’t hear me. I begged for James and his accomplice to stop. I took another strong hit, this one across my face. Everything went black.

I sat up in bed, gasping for air. When my eyes opened and I realized I had been dreaming, I relaxed a little bit, but still had to catch my breath. That dream, like most of my dreams, never made any sense to me. I didn’t want to be alone. Usually if I had a bad dream since Edward was gone, I would just get up and make a pot of coffee and stay awake the rest of the night. I remembered that Edward was asleep on the couch. I wondered if I was screaming in my dream.

I crawled off the bed and went to Masen. He was sleeping soundly. I suddenly regretted cutting his hair. I wondered if it would really curl the way it had in my dream. I swept the back of my hand gently across his cheek and I could’ve sworn a little smile crossed his face. I reached down and kissed his him before leaving the room.

Edward was sound asleep on the couch. He didn’t change clothes, he didn’t have a pillow or a blanket. His arms were folded across his chest. I went to our room and grabbed a pillow and blanket from the bed. I walked up to the couch, kneeling in front of him. I wanted to make him more comfortable, but I didn’t want to wake him. I was startled when his eyes suddenly opened.

“Bella? What are you doing? Are you alright?” he whispered.

I began to cry. I’m not sure why. I missed him. I missed us. I missed feeling carefree. I missed believing that my life was turning around, that everything was going to be okay.

“Bella?” Edward sat up on the couch as he reached for me. “What’s wrong, baby?”

My heart ached when he called me baby. I didn’t want him to know the real cause of my tears, so I played it off as being part of the dream.

“I just had a bad dream,” I said as I wiped the tears from my cheeks.

Edward noticed the pillow and blanket in my lap. “Did you want to lay with me?” he asked.

I shook my head. “No, I just thought you might be more comfortable with these.”

“Bella,” he reached for my hand. “I would be more comfortable with you.”

I took his hand, and joined him on the couch. He grabbed the pillow, placing it behind our heads, and he covered us with the blanket. I was pressed firmly against his chest, and I felt safe. I gripped his t-shirt tightly in my hand. “You wouldn’t help me in my dream,” I whispered into his chest. “You just watched me get hurt.”

He sighed. “Bella, why would you dream something like that? I would never stand by and watch someone hurt you.”

“I know. I don’t know why I dreamt it. Masen was with you. He was older. He was so beautiful. I wish you could have seen him. He looked just like you.” I looked up at Edward. “His hair was curly.”

Edward laughed softly. “He would be cute with curly hair.”

I agreed, and eventually fell asleep to the rhythmic beating of Edward’s heart.

***
I woke the following morning to the sounds of Masen attempting to sing. I jumped up quickly and rushed into the kitchen to check the time on the stove. I had thirty minutes to get to work.

“Crap!” I yelled. “Get up, Edward! We overslept!” I went into Masen’s room to see him standing in his crib, laughing and smiling. His smile made me take a step back, slow down, and smile.

He reached his arms out for me. “Mamma!”

I picked him up and held him tightly for a moment before putting him down. “Masen, go see who is on the couch,” I whispered.

Masen’s eyes grew large before he ran out into the living room. I followed him.

Edward was awake, but still laying on the couch. “Daddy!!!” Masen screamed loudly. Edward picked Masen up and they laid on the couch together, Masen’s arms secure around Edward’s neck. Edward pulled the blanket over them.

“What are you doing?” I asked. “We are running so late. We don’t have time for this.”

Masen giggled, ignoring me.

“Bella, go ahead and get ready. I don’t have to be in class until 10:00 a.m., I can take him to daycare.”

I sighed. I wanted to refuse. I wanted to do everything on my own. I had to prove to myself that I didn’t need Edward. It was becoming increasingly difficult. Edward and Masen stared back at me with their priceless, hopeful grins, and I couldn’t refuse them.

“Okay,” I agreed. I retreated down the hall to get in the shower. I heard Edward ask Masen, “What do you want for breakfast big guy? I’ll take you anywhere you want!” I smiled as I closed our bedroom door to get ready.

***

Later that afternoon when I had arrived back to the office after grabbing a bite to eat, I realized I had received an email from Edward on my work email. It’s been a long time since he had sent something to my work address. I clicked on the email to read it.

Bella,

I’m sorry to bother you at work, I just wanted to ask you something. Can we please arrange a time, without Masen, to sit down and talk about all the things we haven’t been talking about? I think it might help you, and me. Bella, I cannot live without you. I cannot stand seeing you unhappy. I want you to smile again. I want you to be happy. Please, let me help you. I know I’ve hurt you. I’ll do whatever it takes to make it better. I’ll answer any questions you may have. I’ll be completely honest with you. I just need you to talk to me.

I love you,
Edward

I sighed and quickly hit reply.


I don’t know what will help me, Edward. You hurt me. You broke me. I’m not sure how to get past that. At the same time, I miss you. I miss us. I miss what I thought we were before. I don’t know what is real anymore.

We can talk soon. I promise. - B

**CHAPTER 16 - CLICK HERE**