Repentance - Chapter 18

CHAPTER 18:

I don’t think I slept ten minutes that night. I couldn’t stop thinking about Edward and what happened on the roof top deck. I found myself making notes in the middle of the night about things I wanted to talk to the counselor about. I hated what Edward did to me, not just the rape, but keeping it from me for so long, and practically sweeping me off my feet in the process. That was almost harder to deal with than the fact that he rapped me.

I eventually pushed all thoughts of Edward aside as we all began preparing for Masen’s birthday the following morning. My mother was erratic. I don’t think she actually helped prepare anything. She played with Masen the entire time. Rose, Alice, Esme and I were on the rooftop deck setting things up when my dad arrived. He must have ran into my mom at the apartment and got sent up.

“Hey, Dad!”

Charlie came up to me and gave me a big hug. “Hi, Bells.” He kissed my cheek and when I turned back around, everyone was staring at us.

“Oh, Dad, this is Esme and Rosalie.”

Esme extended her hand to Charlie. “Hi, I’m Esme Cullen, it’s a pleasure to meet you.”

Charlie had reached for her hand, but as soon as she said her last name he stopped and looked at me.

I sighed. “This is Edward’s mother and sister.”

“Did you invite him?” Charlie asked, referring to Edward.

“Of course I did. Masen would be so upset if he wasn’t here.”

Charlie shook his head in disgust and began walking away.

“Dad!” I yelled at him. “Come back here, right now.”

Charlie gave me a surprised look, I didn’t usually talk to him like that. He walked back over to us.

“Esme and Rose had nothing to do with what happened between Edward and I. Stop acting like a child by being rude to them.”

Esme stepped forward. “Oh, no. Bella, it’s okay, really. I understand your father’s position completely. Let’s just get through the day for Masen, okay?”

We all looked at each other, nodded our heads, and went our separate ways.

I was really stressed out and just wanted to find a place to be alone, but it was turning out to be a rather impossible task.

***

Within a few hours Masen’s birthday party was in full swing. I went back down to the apartment to get Masen’s cake, as we didn’t want it sitting out in the hot sun. Everyone had already had lunch, grilled hamburgers and hot dogs, courtesy of Charlie and Carlisle. All that was left was cake and presents. I was so exhausted from the lack of sleep the night before that I really couldn’t wait for it all to end so I could catch a nap.

I made it back up to the rooftop deck with everything I needed, and as I opened the door to the deck, something came over me.

I looked out towards the party. There were balloons, food, children and adults laughing, music playing, a giant inflatable super man slide, and a table full of presents. Edward was sliding down the inflatable slide with Masen on one side of him and Ally on the other. Ally was a little girl that went to day care with Masen and he was absolutely smitten with her. She was a year older than him, but they loved to play together. I wish things would always stay this simple for him, uncomplicated and innocent.

I was still standing in the doorway, observing the scene in front of me, when I thought back to this time last year. Masen’s first birthday was a disgrace. I was working and taking two summer classes. I had a big exam the next day and insisted Masen didn’t need a big birthday party. Not to mention I didn’t have a dime to spare. Alice didn’t speak to me for a week because of it, but I was so insistent to do everything on my own. Masen had one gift, one cup cake, and one candle, and it was just me and him. Tears suddenly filled my eyes when I thought back to how sad our lives used to be.

Nothing that I saw before me would exist, if it weren’t for Edward. Absolutely none of it. Masen had so much more, not just material things, but intangible things, like love, and more people to love him. He has a father, another set of grandparents, a great grandparent, uncles and aunts. He has more than I ever imagined him having, and he was happy and beautiful. And he wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for Edward and what he did to me.

My vision had blurred from the tears building in my eyes and I was so startled to feel someone touch my arm that I nearly dropped everything in my hands.

“Bella? Are you okay? What are you doing?” Edward asked.

I handed a few things off to him and dried my cheeks of the few tears that fled.

The pad of Edward’s thumb caught another tear rolling down my cheek. “Bella, what’s wrong?” he sounded so sincere, it nearly sent me over the edge into a crying frenzy, but I collected myself.

I shook my head. “Nothing, I’m okay.” I reassured him as I tried to walk past him, back towards the party.

He stopped me, as he grabbed my elbow. “Bella, what is it? Please tell me. I’ll leave if I’m upsetting you, or if my family is unwanted, we’ll leave. I just want you to be happy. I don’t want to cause any trouble.”

I shook my head as I felt tears threatening again. “No, Edward.” I grabbed his free hand and squeezed it as I reached up to whisper in his ear. “These are happy tears. Please stay.”

I stepped back so I could see his face, but there was nothing in his eyes but confusion. “We’ll talk later, okay? We have a birthday boy to attend to.”

Edward seemed to relax, and we both headed back to the party.

Masen ate cake and ice cream until I thought he was going to be sick. He loved everyone singing him happy birthday, so much so, that he insisted we do it three more times. After I nearly had to bathe him to get the cake off his face and fingers, he got to open his presents.

He really got a little bit of everything, I was very pleased. He received things like clothes, books, and learning toys from the moms and moms to be in the group, which would help me out. He got toys, cars, and games from most of the guys in the group. There was one large box left sitting beside the table. It didn’t surprise me when Edward pulled Masen from the table to help him open it. Of course, Edward would buy him something bigger than he was. Edward let Masen tear every piece of wrapping paper from the box on his own. Once the paper was gone, Masen studied the cardboard box inquisitively. Nothing on the cardboard gave away what was inside, and Masen didn’t know how to get the box opened.

“Are you ready?” Edward asked.

Masen jumped up and down. “Yes! Open, Daddy!”

Edward lifted the cardboard box, and left standing there was a little guitar and stand that mirrored Edward’s larger one. It was probably half the size of Edward’s, specially made for a child. It wasn’t a toy like the one he had with lights and colors, it was the real deal. Masen was silent. His mouth hung open as he walked around it, touched it, smelled it even. It nearly brought tears to my eyes. Everyone was quiet, just watching him take it in.

Edward kneeled down to his eye level. “What do you think? You want to learn how to play?”

Without speaking, a huge smile spread across Masen’s face and he threw his little arms around Edward’s neck. I broke out of the fog I was in, and grabbed my camera. It made a beautiful picture.


Some time later people began dispersing and heading home. Rose was one of the first to go.

“Bella, I’m so sorry. I’m exhausted and hot. We’re going to lay down,” she said as she placed a hand over her ever growing stomach. “It was a beautiful party. I hope my child will be as beautiful and happy as Masen.”

I hugged her neck. “Thank you, for everything.” I placed my hand on her belly. “She will be perfect.”

Esme and Alice were helping me clean up and Edward and Carlisle were taking things downstairs. I don’t know where my mother and father disappeared to.

I was gathering some trash when Carlisle came up to me. “Bella, may I speak to you for a moment?”

“Of course.” I stepped away from what I was doing and followed Carlisle away from everyone else who was within earshot. I was a little nervous. Carlisle and I hadn’t really spoken since Thanksgiving.

“I know we haven’t really talked much, but I really feel like I owe you an apology.”

I was quiet and let him continue.

“I am sincerely sorry for the way my family treated you and Masen on Thanksgiving. We obviously didn’t take the time to get to know you or Masen, and we had no idea what had transpired between you and Edward.”

I took a deep breath and blew it out, remembering what it was like before I knew Edward’s secret. I nodded my head in response.

Carlisle grabbed my hand and I looked up, surprised. “Bella, you have made him into something I never was. I in no way condone what he did. In fact, it disgusts me and I still have a hard time even looking at him, but when I see him with Masen, I can’t describe the feelings it evokes in me. He is so much more of a father to Masen than I ever was to him. I know it means a lot to him, to do things differently than I did, to be there for his child. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for allowing him to be a part of Masen’s life.”

I was nearly in tears by the time Carlisle finished. We hugged briefly before continuing to tend to our duties.

By the time everyone had gone home, I was beyond exhausted. I couldn’t believe Masen was still up and going. All he wanted was to play with the guitar and Edward. I could tell he was tired, but he wouldn’t give in to sleep until he had his music time with Edward. While they played with their guitars, I tried to find places for all of Masen’s new editions.

When I was finished, I threw myself against the couch, and closed my eyes. I realized couldn’t hear the guitars anymore.

Edward entered the room a moment later. “I’m exhausted,” I said.

He smiled and sat down beside me, “Me too.”

We sat in silence for a moment before I turned to look at him. I squeezed his hand that was sitting so close to mine. “Thank you.”

“For what?” he asked.

“Just for being here, and for everything you got for Masen. He loves his guitar.”

Edward squeezed my hand and leaned over and kissed my cheek. At the same time, Charlie and my mother came through the door. I leaned forward to see my dad staring back at me with an evil face. Edward and I nonchalantly released our hands.

“Bella, I cannot deal with his. I’ve kept my mouth shut all day, but I cannot look at this,” he waved his hand towards us.

“Charlie, be quiet. You have no idea what she’s been through,” my mother started.

Edward stood. “It’s no problem. I’ll leave. I understand.”

I stood. “No, you don’t have to.”

My mom started bitching at Charlie and they began an all out verbal war.

“What is wrong with you women!” Charlie yelled. “I refuse to sit back and look at the creep that raped my daughter.”

Oh God. Charlie was pissed. He was beyond pissed. He was infuriated. His face was red, veins were protruding from his neck and he was eyeing Edward like a hawk.

Edward moved toward the door. Suddenly, Charlie grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and pushed him up against the door.

Charlie spoke through gritted teeth. “You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to kill you and now I can’t, because she’d kill me.” He motioned towards me.

“Dad, stop! Please!”

“No! I won’t stop!” Charlie turned to look at me. “Bella, I may not have seemed like the best father when you were growing up, but to me, you were always this big brown eyed 8 year old girl. You were so innocent and full of life, you had so much going for you. Since the day you came home from college, broken, shattered and pregnant, I swore I’d kill the bastard that did it to you. I spent hours after my shifts at the station, researching criminal records on every kid at that school, only to find nothing...”

If I blinked, tears would spill over my cheeks and on to the floor. “Dad, please. Stop. I don’t want to re-live it anymore!” I screamed.

My mom pulled at his arm, to release Edward.

Charlie looked back to Edward. “I swear to God if you ever hurt her again, I will kill you and all the money in the world won’t be able to bring you back.”

Edward swallowed loudly. “Yes sir.”

“Charlie, why don’t you drive me back to the airport on your way home. Bella looks exhausted,” my mom said. I knew she was just saying that to get him to leave. She would never want to be alone with him if she didn’t have to. Of course Charlie jumped at her offer.

“We need to get going, Charlie. Say your goodbyes,” my mom demanded.

Edward went back to the couch. I hugged my mom and dad and thanked them for coming. When they were gone, I wanted to collapse. I was so exhausted and embarrassed at Charlie’s display.

Edward looked tormented. Although I shouldn’t, I felt bad for him.

“Hey,” I started.

He looked up at me and I walked over to him. “You want to take a nap with me?”

He almost smiled, he nodded his head, and stood, grabbing my hand. We walked hand in hand into our bedroom. We both laid down on top of the bedding. Edward kept his distance at first, but I quickly curled up next to him with my head on his chest, listening to the beating of his heart. I loved that sound; I missed it. I missed our bed. It was so comfortable. Edward speaking interrupted my peaceful thoughts.

“You can’t honestly tell me that this doesn’t feel right.” His arm wrapped securely around my waist, squeezing gently.

I sighed. “It does feel right, Edward, but it also feels wrong to me. I don’t want to get into it right now. I’m exhausted.”

“You promised you would talk to me.”

“I know, and I will. I didn’t sleep at all last night. Please, just let me rest before Masen wakes up.”

Edward kissed the top of my head. “I’m sorry. Go to sleep,” he whispered. I was asleep almost instantly.


***

Edward and I spent the next few weeks in some intense counseling sessions. Sometimes they seemed immensely helpful, and at other times, I was so angry when I left that I never wanted to see Edward again. The counselor assured us that some days would be better than others. She was right, but the bad days were tough.

Edward had been staying on the couch more and more often. Rosalie was ready to pop out baby Emmalie at any minute, and Edward swore Rose was possessed.

I was making dinner one evening when he came through the door.

He picked up Masen and joined me in the kitchen. “What’s for dinner?”

I laughed. “I didn’t know you were coming.”

Edward shrugged his shoulders. “I can’t deal with the wrath of Rose anymore. Emmett may join us soon as well,” he joked. “Were you that moody when you were pregnant with Masen?”

I don’t know why that question bothered me, but it did. It really bothered me. I stopped what I was doing, and looked up at him, appalled that he even asked. The counselor wanted me to make a conscious effort to stop throwing things in Edward’s face, but I couldn’t. I had this sincere desire to make him understand what it was like.

“I was probably ten times as moody as your sister, Edward. You see, I didn’t know who my baby’s father was, I didn’t know where I was going to live, how I was going to feed him, I didn’t know anything. I didn’t even know if I was keeping him!” Thinking back to that time made me so angry. I felt tears sting my eyes. I hated the thought that I very nearly gave away my son. My sweet boy, that I couldn’t imagine living without now.

I could tell by the look on Edward’s face that he was a little shocked. He was just making conversation, he wasn’t trying to be rude or hurtful.

I took a deep breath and looked back down at the spaghetti sauce I was stirring. “I’m sorry.”

Edward kissed my temple. “It’s okay. You don’t need to apologize. Ever.”

I continued making dinner while Edward played with Masen in the living room.

Emmett eventually joined us for dinner, saying he needed time away from being Rose’s slave. We had a nice dinner. Masen really enjoyed being around Emmett, he thought he was so funny. He had began to refer to him as “Unky Emm.”

Later that evening, after Emmett left, Edward and I put Masen to bed together. We both sat with him as Edward read him a story. Edward always read the stories better than me. He gave all the characters different voices and Masen loved it. I realized at that moment, that I would never get tired of watching the two of them interact.

After we had Masen to sleep, we both sat quietly on the couch.

“So, I don’t know if this is the best time to bring this up, but Rose has given me two weeks to be out. There won’t be enough space for all of us once the baby comes.”

I knew that was coming. “So, what are you saying? You want to move back in?”

“I don’t know. I guess I wanted your opinion. I can’t really afford the rent on two places. I’ll stay on the couch. I’ll stay out of your way. I promise.”

I sighed. It was so hard to be around him all the time, because he made it so easy for me to just fall back into our routine of being together. I liked having him around, he was a huge help, especially with Masen. I hated that he felt like he had to tip-toe around me, but it was entirely my fault. I was still so conflicted with my emotions, and I didn’t want to take it all out on him all the time. School would start back soon, and we would have some space from each other, so I agreed.

“You can come back. We’ll make it work.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, I’m sure.”

“Thank you, Bella.”

We fell asleep together that night on the couch.

**CHAPTER 19 - CLICK HERE**