Repentance - Chapter 19

Chapter 19:

Things went okay over the next few weeks. Edward and I seem to do well, except on days that we had to see the counselor. It was just such intense therapy that brought back feelings and emotions I hated. It was hard to just snap out of it when it was over. Edward and I generally didn’t speak to each other after counseling. It was just easier that way for us to process things individually. The counselor had encouraged us both to make a decision about what we wanted. We couldn’t continue to keep each other in limbo. It was obvious I was hurt and that Edward was sorry. Dragging out the inevitable any longer was just wasting valuable time.

School would be starting back soon, and we would get lost again in our hectic lives. The counselor suggested Edward and I take a weekend and go away, just the two of us, and try to be a normal couple, to see how it felt, to see if it is what we wanted. I didn’t really need to get away for the weekend to figure that out, but Edward thought it was a good idea.

Rose and Emmett brought baby Emmalie home last week and they had their hands full. Alice and Jasper agreed to keep Masen for the weekend.

We returned home from dropping off Masen at Alice’s and Edward still hadn’t told me where we were going.

“I don’t even know what to pack,” I said to him.

“It will be warm. Bring a swim suit.”

I was busy packing my things into my suitcase when Edward came up to me. I looked up at him from the floor, where I was kneeling next to my suitcase. He held his hand out for me to stand up. I took it and stood in front of him. He had a serious look on his face.

“What is it?” I asked.

Both of his hands came to my face, caressing my checks. I inhaled sharply, not used to the intimate contact. I wanted to push him away immediately, but I steadied myself, and let his hands remain where they were.

“Will you promise me one thing?”

The serious brooding look on his face tugged at my heart. Sometimes I could be so angry at him, and other times I just wanted to make him feel better and take all his hurt away. “What?” I asked.

“Can we please, just for this weekend, forget about what happened. We both know what happened, we’ll both have it hanging over our heads for the rest of our lives. I just want everything to be normal, like a normal couple, like the counselor suggested. I need to know that what we were hasn’t been lost, that we are still capable of loving each other.”

I attempted to respond, but his lips gently pressed against mine and prevented me from speaking. His kiss, once something so familiar, felt so unknown. He tried to pull away, but I followed him, desperate to find the familiarity I once knew. He was holding back. I broke away just long enough to whisper against his lips, “Kiss me like you mean it.”

Before I even got the last word out, his lips were on mine. His arm was tight around my waist, and his right hand was fisted into my hair. Our hungry and desperate mouths got reacquainted and it felt familiar again.

We were both breathless by the time we let each other go. We stared silently at each other for a moment before I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him to me. “I promise. I know I don’t make it easy on you. I’ll try to do better, I promise. I want it to work, Edward. I do. I love you.”

I leaned back enough to see his eyes when I told him I loved him. At first, all I saw was disbelief, and then relief. He pulled me to him, and we stood there, in the middle of our room, clutching on to each other.



I woke up early the following morning to the sound of the alarm going off at 4:00 a.m. I groaned, and felt Edward slip out of bed. I went back to sleep.

Sometime later, he returned, and I felt his fingers brushing across my cheek.

“It’s time to get up, baby. I brought you some coffee.”

I smiled at his thoughtfulness, and made myself a promise to be sincere in forgetting about everything for the weekend. I stretched and sat up as I sipped my coffee while Edward took our things to his car.

I was still in bed when he returned.

“We have to go. Our flight is in an hour and a half.”

“Our flight? We’re flying somewhere?”

Edward laughed. “Yes, get out of bed.”

I was kind of intrigued now. I jumped out of bed. “Do I have time to shower?”

“If you hurry.”

“I can hurry!” I eagerly headed to the bathroom and showered quickly before heading out to the living room where Edward was waiting. We gathered the last of our things and headed out.

We were running late by the time we arrived to the airport. It didn’t take me long to determine we were headed to San Diego. I was so excited. I had never been there before.

As soon as I got seated next to him on the plane, I laid my head on his shoulder and fell asleep.

I was walking through a busy mall. Everyone was blurry and I felt so heavy, like there was a huge weight on my shoulders. I was by myself, with the exception of all the other shoppers. Even with all of the other people around, I couldn’t help but feel overwhelmed with loneliness. People wouldn’t come into view until they were right next to me. I kept seeing little boys pass by me with their parents. All the little boys looked like Masen. Sometimes he would be in a stroller, still an infant. Other times he would be older, walking next to someone, holding their hand. It wasn’t me. None of those people were me. I would turn around to try to follow them, but they would disappear back into the blur. I kept walking through the mall, continuously turning and turning, trying to follow the little boys. I felt so heavy. I wasn’t sure if I had actually moved at all. Eventually I turned and faced a store. It was one of those family portrait centers. I could see clearly inside. There was a middle aged couple posing for a family portrait with their son. My son. Masen. They were posing for the photograph with Masen. I rushed inside and scooped him up, right from the little bench he was sitting on. He began screaming at the top of his lungs. The two middle aged people began pulling him from me and yelling at me. They kept telling me he wasn’t mine. I gave him away. He was theirs now. I didn’t understand. I didn’t understand why he didn’t recognize me, why he didn’t want me. He cried for “mama” and reached his arms out towards the middle aged woman. I let him go then. They glared at me disgracefully, and I quickly seemed to be pulled from the store, as if I were floating backwards at a high speed, my arms still outstretched towards Masen.

“Bella? Bella! Wake up!”

I felt Edward shaking me and I opened my eyes, realizing it was a dream. Everyone seated around us on the plane was staring at me. I was so embarrassed. I didn’t even realize I was crying. It took me a minute to process everything. I looked to Edward, apologetically.

He pulled me to him. “It’s okay. Are you alright?”

I nodded my head and buried my face in his chest to avoid the stares of those seated around us. I heard a little girl behind us ask her mother what was wrong with me.

I heard Edward sigh. “Even your subconscious won’t allow us a weekend of peace,” he said.

I felt awful. I couldn’t help it though. “I’m sorry, Edward. It wasn’t about you, necessarily,” I said half heartedly as I looked up at him.

“You don’t have apologize to me, Bella.” He paused for a moment, and when I didn’t say anything, he continued. “Do you want to talk about it?”

I adamantly shook my head no and wiped the tears from my cheeks. “I’m not ruining our weekend and I’m not breaking my promise,” I said sternly.

Edward gave me that crooked smile of his that made me fall in love with him. I smiled weakly at him before requesting a cup of coffee from the stewardess. I couldn’t risk falling asleep again around all these people.

Edward and I landed in San Diego a couple hours later. Edward had rented a car and we headed out towards our destination. We were actually staying in La Jolla, which was just North of San Diego.

I literally couldn’t believe my eyes when we arrived at the La Valencia Hotel. It was breathtaking. The Mediterranean architecture was my favorite.

“Edward, this looks like entirely too much,” I said, as I admired the hotel as we pulled up to the valet parking attendant.

“Don’t worry about it, Bella. You deserve a relaxing weekend,” he said as he grinned at me.

I leaned over and kissed his cheek. “Thank you.”

We both exited the vehicle. Edward gave the keys to the valet and we headed inside with our bags to get checked in.

Our room was just as breathtaking as the outside of the hotel. The Mediterranean style continued throughout our room and the lavishly appointed spa-like bathroom. There was a beautiful chandelier above our bed and a large window on one wall looking out over the ocean. The adjacent wall had french doors that opened to a petite balcony. The fresh air was heavenly.

Edward was wrong, I didn’t deserve any of this, not after the way I had treated him. My conflicted feelings began to creep back in and I quickly pushed them aside, remembering my promise to him.

We unpacked a few of our things and still had the entire day ahead of us. Edward suggested we go to the San Diego Zoo and I absolutely jumped at the idea. It was a nice day, it wasn’t too warm and the zoo was a great place to spend the day. Edward and I made sure to take a lot of pictures for Masen. We both sort of felt bad for enjoying the zoo without him.

After the zoo we went back to our room and while Edward was showering, I snuck out to a little boutique down the street. Edward said we were going to a nice dinner, and I hadn’t really brought anything dressy. I wanted to dress up, I wanted to feel whole again. I had let myself go a lot lately and I wanted to undo that tonight. Thoughts of what would happen between Edward and I in that beautiful room after dark plagued my mind. One minute, the thought excited me, and the next it terrified me. There was always one thing I couldn’t deny; I loved him. Regardless of how much he hurt me, I knew he never intended to. He gave more to me and Masen than I could’ve ever wished for and I owed him this one weekend of normalcy to see if our relationship could finally begin to move forward. I cleared my mind, and began the search for the perfect little black dress.

I had been gone entirely too long by the time I arrived back to our room. Edward was pacing back and forth at the foot of the bed, wearing nothing but a white towel around his waist. His hair was still damp, and it was obvious he’d been running his hands through it.

He looked up at me when I entered. “Where have you been?” he asked. “I was worried sick about you.”

“I’m sorry. I just went to do some shopping. I didn’t mean to be gone so long. I forgot my cell; I would’ve called.”

Edward took a deep breath and blew it out. “At least leave a note or something next time.”

I nodded my head. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.” Edward seemed to shake off his irritation with me and changed the subject. “What did you buy?”

I smiled. “You’ll see later. I need to get in the shower.”

Edward grinned as I walked past him, toting my shopping bag, to the bathroom.

I don’t think I’ve ever spent as much time in the bathroom as I did that evening. I showered, shaved, lathered myself with lotion, put on my new undergarments, and my new dress. I did my make-up and my hair. I was rather pleased with the way I looked, considering I did it all by myself, without the help of Alice.

I was putting the final touches on my make-up when I heard a knock at the door. “Bella? I don’t mean to rush you, but you’ve been in there a very long time.”

I giggled. “I know, I’m almost done,” I yelled back to him.

“Good, I’m starving!”

“Sorry, baby. I’ll be out in a minute.”

I knew that made him smile. I didn’t have to physically see it, I just knew. Knowing that he was smiling, made me smile.

I pinned my hair up in a loose bun in the back, and left a few shorter strands loosely curled around my face. I slipped my new heels on, took a deep breath and headed out of the bathroom.

Edward was on the small balcony when I exited the bathroom. He turned around when he heard me enter the room. I stood still, waiting for his reaction. His eyes said it all. This wasn’t your typical little black dress. It certainly wasn’t a dress I would normally wear.

The dress was made from a black satin material, with a lace material over it. It was sleeveless, with a tube-type top and extremely fitted. It hugged my curves in all the right places. The satin material mostly covered the front of me, with my skin exposed slightly under the lace-only edged hem just above my breasts and the bottom of the dress. The back of the dress was lace only, until you reached the extreme portion of my lower back. The black satin material began again there to cover my derrière, which it just barely did. The dress was dangerously short. It made my already long legs seem even longer. I wore matching black satin pumps with a stiletto heel.

“I’m ready,” I said simply.

I think it was safe to say that Edward was speechless.

He stumbled for words momentarily. “What are you trying to do to me?” he finally said, teasingly.

I laughed momentarily, and spun around so he could see the back of the dress.

“You look amazing. You’re beautiful, Bella.”

I smiled and, for the first time, took in his appearance. He had on a pair of black slacks with dress shoes, a white button up shirt and a black tie worn loosely around his neck. He looked good enough to eat. I noticed an unfamiliar look on his face, he wasn’t happy anymore. He looked confused.

“Edward, what’s wrong?”

He shook his head. “Nothing, I’m fine.”

“I don’t believe you. Is this too much? I can put something else on.”

He scoffed. “No, Bella. It’s not you. You look lovely.”

I walked closer to him, tugging gently on his tie. His arms wrapped around me and he buried his face in the crook of my neck. I wrapped my arms around his neck. “What is it, Edward?” I whispered. “Tell me...” I pleaded.

He lifted his head from my shoulder and my heart ached when I saw his face. His face was flushed, his eyes watery. “Edward?”

“I’m sorry,” he said softly. “You just amaze me sometimes. Your strength and determination are unbelievable. I just want a million more moments, just like this, when you take my breath away. I don’t want to lose you, Bella. I just can’t imagine a life without you. You’ll always own my heart. Please, just be careful with it.”

I was nearly in tears when he finished. I willed myself not to cry and ruin my makeup. I didn’t even know what to say to him. I pulled him to me, and we embraced briefly before I became concerned with transferring makeup onto his shirt. “I love you, Edward.” I took his hand in mine. “Let’s go have a nice dinner.”

He nodded his head and followed me to the door.

We went to a really fancy restaurant. Everyone was dressed impeccably. Edward and I were seated at a cozy table for two in the back of the restaurant near a window. The lighting was low and romantic.

We enjoyed a bottle of wine, and an exquisite dinner. It was one of those restaurants where the food arrives in strange shapes on your plate, and the food was tiny, but it was pretty. We shared dessert before we left.

We had walked to the restaurant and were making our way back to the hotel. The air had gotten cooler, but was still comfortable. There was a full moon that lit up the sky.

“Would you like to take a walk on the beach?” Edward asked.

I turned to face him and smiled. “I’d love to.”

We walked hand in hand along the beach, our shoes in our free hand. Occasionally the waves would chase us away, but once we were too busy looking at each other, and we nearly got soaked. Fortunately, my dress was so short that it didn’t really bother me, but the bottoms of Edward’s pants were soaked. We both laughed and moved away from the shore. Edward surprised me when he let his shoes fall to the sand, and he pulled me to him, embracing me. I let my shoes fall as well, so I could I have a better grip on him.

“Bella, this has been the most exquisite evening. This has simply been one of the best nights of my life.” He pulled a lock of my hair behind my ear, sending a chill over my body. “I don’t regret telling you. The most amazing feeling ever, is you knowing the truth, and still loving me, still laughing, and smiling. You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met. I love you.” He kissed me before I could even respond.

The night felt perfect to me too. I was so glad we decided to take a weekend to ourselves. Standing in the sand, the water at our feet, my lips on his, it all felt so right.

We didn’t speak after that. We walked hand in hand back to the hotel, and I was ecstatic, and honestly a little nervous, about the surprise I had waiting for him.

“Wait here for a minute,” I asked as we stood outside our door.

Edward gave me a funny look. “Why?” he asked.

“Just do it!” I said, disappearing inside.

Once inside, I went back to my shopping bag and placed a couple of candles around the room. I lit each one with a match. I cracked the door to the balcony, just enough to hear the sound of the ocean. I pulled the curtains closed. I took a deep breath, trying to reassure myself. Ms. Harding, my counselor, told me I had to make a decision, I had to accept what happened to me and move on, or let it control my life for an indefinite amount of time. I still wasn’t certain if I could ever forgive Edward, but I knew I loved him. I knew that I wanted him to be part of my life, as well as Masen’s. If there were ever to be a perfect night to test the waters, this was it. Everything was out on the table. I wanted to be normal again, I wanted to feel normal. Intimacy was a normal part of normal relationships.

I walked slowly to the door and paused for a moment before opening it. I reassured myself of my decision and opened the door. Edward spun around immediately and I held the door open for him.

I couldn’t read his response to the mood I had set. He entered the room and walked around momentarily, admiring the candles. He almost seemed fearful.

He eventually turned to face me. “Bella, what is this?” he asked, as if he didn’t know.

I shrugged my shoulders. “You said we could be normal this weekend. Normal couples are usually intimate,” I said softly.

I heard him sigh and I wasn’t sure what that meant. He closed the gap between us. His left arm snaked around my waist, pulling me to him and his right hand gently caressed my cheek.

“Bella, you don’t have to do this. I’ll love you no matter what. If I can never make love to you again, I’ll still love you. I’ll find other ways to show you...” he trailed off. His lips pressed ever so softly against my own, and I felt myself melting in his arms.

“I want to try,” I responded. “I want to be normal. I have to accept what happened.”

Edward’s expression was pained. “I don’t want to hurt you anymore, Bella. I don’t want you to have horrible memories when I touch you.”

I began to loosen his tie and unbutton the first few buttons of his shirt. “You won’t hurt me, Edward,” I whispered. “This is love, now. It’s not desperation, anger, or immaturity. It’s love. Show me. Make love to me.” I pressed my lips to the crook of his neck, trailing my tongue upwards toward his ear lobe. He smelled incredible, and safe, and like home.

“Bella, I love you,” he said finally, giving in and finding my lips with his own.

“I love you,” I muttered against his lips. I’m not sure why, but I felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I felt relieved. I felt myself relax against him. He gently led me over to the bed.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous about being intimate with him again, but I was hell bent and determined. I continuously filled my mind with wonderful memories of Edward and Masen. I refused to let myself remember that night. This was now, and this was different.

Edward was a complete gentleman. He went excruciatingly slow with me. We had been all serious and silent until it came time to take my dress off. Edward found the zipper on my side, but getting it off of me wasn’t so easy. We both laughed when he became frustrated with it. I finally helped him and shimmied out of my dress. I hated to ruin the mood, but it was expensive.

“Do you mind if I hang it up?”

Edward grinned at me. “Of course not, I’ll just stay here and enjoy the view.”

It was then I remembered I had on my new matching undergarments. I had a black lace strapless push up bra and a matching black lace thong. I smiled back at him as I turned, still in my heels, and went across the room to the closet to hang up my dress.

When I turned around, Edward was sitting on the edge of the bed. His tie was gone, and his shirt was untucked and unbuttoned. I slipped my heels off and made my way back over to him. I stood between his legs and his arms wrapped around my waist. He pulled me too him, hugging me, his cheek resting flush below my breasts, on my stomach. He breathed deeply and squeezed me tighter.

“Is this real?” he asked, “Because it feels like a dream.”

I smiled, and cradled his head against me. I kissed the top of his head. “It’s real, baby.”

His breath hitched and he gazed up me, as if he really thought he was dreaming. I leaned down and gently kissed his lips reassuringly. I stepped back and let him stand. I placed my hands inside his open shirt, on his bare chest, and moved them upwards to his shoulders, allowing his shirt to fall to the floor behind him. I removed his pants, and when we were both only left standing in our undergarments, we crawled onto the bed. Edward pulled the covers back for us.

We laid there for quite some time kissing, and savoring each other. The sound of the waves crashing in the background was heavenly. I never wanted it to end. Edward held me close to him as we continued to make love with our lips. It was as if we couldn’t get enough of just kissing each other. I guess we had a lot of lost time to make up for. As he kissed me, his fingertips danced along my bare back. It sent a chill over me and I snuggled into him even more.

The entire night was magical. Not once did I have a terrifying memory. Not once. I wasn’t afraid, I wasn’t worried. I was loved. I was so wrapped up in my thoughts of how much I loved him, and how much I needed him, that the rape never even crossed my mind. We made slow, sweet love for hours. I never felt like I was close enough to him, even when we were one. I never quite realized how much I missed him until now.

We were both exhausted and slightly delirious as we fell asleep when the sun began to rise.

I was the first to wake, shortly after noon the next day. Edward and I were facing each other, as close as possible, our legs tangled together, his left arm draped over my waist. It looked like he was smiling, but his eyes were closed.

“Edward?” I whispered.

No response. He was asleep. His breathing was even, and peaceful. I guess he was just happy. I was probably sleeping with a smile on my face as well. I smiled at the thought, and gently kissed his cheek.

He stirred, yawned, and eventually opened his eyes. “Good morning,” I said.

He looked at me, and gently pushed a stray lock of hair behind my ear. “Good morning, beautiful.”

It was like falling in love all over again. I couldn’t stop smiling. We ordered room service, and spent most of the day in bed being lazy.

We eventually made it out to the pool for a couple of hours, both of us burning due to the lack of sun available in Seattle. We shared a quick dinner at the hotel restaurant before returning to our room for the evening.

We took turns bathing each other in aloe vera before we fell asleep. We were too exhausted and uncomfortable from our sunburns to even think about touching each other.

The next morning, we regretfully headed back home, and back to a cruel reality.


**CHAPTER 20 - CLICK HERE**