CHAPTER 2
Maricopia County Mental Health Institute - 2006
I felt trapped. I was stuck between these four small walls and all I wanted to do was scream and get out. I couldn’t remember the last time I heard my own voice. I wasn’t sure it even worked anymore. I tested it out, speaking to no one but myself.
“Hello?”
It came out a strangled whisper. I cleared my throat and tried again. It was normal. At least I could still speak.
I often went back and forth with my decision to either take my medication or not take it. I liked remembering Edward, but when I remembered him, I also remembered other things. Other things, like waking up to my mother screaming at me, asking me what I did, and seeing my dead father next to me in a pool of blood. I shuttered at the thought and felt the warm tears pool in my eyes. Today I would take my medication, because today I wanted to forget.
They told me I killed him and that is why I was here. I wouldn’t have. I couldn’t have. I missed my dad as much as I missed Edward. It hurt more to think about my dad though, because according to a jury of 12, I killed him with my bare hands.
When I had vivid memories of my father, I almost wanted to request the padding be put on my walls. I wanted to hurt myself for what I did. Why would I hurt my own father? I loved him more than anything, especially my mother. Sure, we had our moments, especially before I left for London, but what family doesn’t have their problems?
Whoever the hell was serving dinner tonight was late accordingly to my constant counting. I needed my fucking medication.
If I counted correctly, today was the second Saturday of the month. My mother would visit me at 6:00 p.m., after dinner. We would stare at each other for twenty minutes and she would leave, but only after I asked her about Edward and she insisted he was a figment of my imagination.
I sighed and paced the floor, waiting on dinner. The floor was cold. It was concrete and boring. They didn’t let me have socks. I was always cold. I had to wear these generic one size fits all clothes, which were really just thin sheets of cotton. The shirt was far too big for me, but at least the pants had a drawstring. Don’t worry, I had already thought about pulling it out and hanging myself, but it broke. It’s like a paper towel. These fucking people think of everything.
I didn’t want to die. I wanted to find Edward. I wanted to find out what happened. I wanted the truth. The longer I was here, the more hopeless I felt. The more I felt like I would never leave and that Edward would never come for me.
“Swan!”
Dinner was here! I turned to face the steel door and accepted my tray while staring at the overweight androgynous woman on the other side of the glass. I took the little plastic cup with the two blue pills and popped them in my mouth immediately. I took a sip of water and swallowed them anxiously before passing the cup back to the beast and showing her the underside of my tongue. She was satisfied and moved on to the next cell.
I ate my dinner quickly. I was hungry and eager to see my mom before the medication really started to effect me.
At first I thought the food was disgusting. It felt like chewing on rubber, no matter what it was. But now, I was getting used to it. The rubber carrots were comforting now and so was the plastic salisbury steak served every Saturday. The food schedule also helped me keep up with the days of the week. This place did everything on a schedule.
Forty minutes latter when the woman came back for my tray, she unlocked my cell. The sound of that lock clicking was the most wonderful thing I ever got to hear. I often fantasized about running as fast as I could as soon as it was unlocked but there were doors everywhere. Large, steel, locked doors. Her attendant entered my cell and placed the cuffs and chains around my ankles and then my wrists. I wasn’t allowed out unless I was bound at the wrists and ankles. The attendant led me through two sets of doors before I was in the visiting area, which consisted of a cold concrete room with interior windows, none to the outside world. My mom sat at a small picnic like table inside. They opened the door for me and told me, “Twenty minutes, no gifts.”
I never knew if I should be excited or terrified of seeing my mom once a month. I was glad at least one person on the planet came to see me, but I also had this nagging feeling that she had something to do with my being here.
“Hey, mom.” My voice still worked.
“Hi, Bella.” She smiled, it appeared genuine. She reached for my hand as a I sat and she held it. “How are you?”
Why does she even ask that question? I shrugged my shoulders. How the hell does she think I am?
“Are you staying on your medication? It really helps you.”
“Yeah, yeah. I take it every night.”
She nodded her head. “Good.”
“How long is my sentence?” I asked. I think I ask her every time, but I forget.
She took a deep breath, as usual. “Twenty years.”
I couldn’t grasp how long that was. It was far too long. I wondered what Edward would look like 20 years from now. “Have you heard from Edward?” I asked.
“Bella, honey, we’ve talked about this. Are you sure you’re still taking your medication?”
I nodded my head. “I promise. Why?”
“Bella, Edward isn’t real. He doesn’t exist. He’s only in your mind.”
I shook my head. “He’s not only in my mind. I met him in London. We were happy together.”
“Then why hasn’t he come to see you? Has he written to you?”
“I don’t know. He probably doesn’t know where I am. Can I get mail here? Why can’t I write to anyone?”
“You can get mail. They don’t feel you’re stable enough to use a pen or pencil yet. I’ve spoken with the doctor and we might start you out with crayons soon if you continue to do well.”
“Crayons? What am I? A fucking five year old?”
“Bella, watch your language.”
“Tell me again why I killed Dad?” I knew this conversation always pissed her off.
“Do we really need to go over this again, Bella? We have the same conversation every time I’m here.”
“Yeah, I want to know.”
“Well, I don’t know exactly why. I wasn’t there. I just know you two had an argument before you left for London and you hadn’t spoke much while you were gone and when you came home from Christmas, you got in an argument and the next thing I knew, I came home and he was gone and you were next to him with the knife in your hand.”
Every time she told me the story I couldn’t remember any argument. I couldn’t remember anything but waking up with the knife in my hand. “What was the argument about?” I asked.
“I don’t know, Bella.”
I began to tear up. Something wasn’t right. “Why would I kill my Dad?” I asked her. “I love him. I miss him so much. If anyone had a problem with him, it was you.”
“Bella, stop it. Right now. We are not having this conversation again.”
I sat there and cried. “Can I have a picture of him?”
“I don’t have a picture with me, Bella, and besides, you’re not allowed any gifts or personal belongings.”
“Will you look for Edward? His name is Edward Cullen. He works for Cullen Enterprises in London. Please, mom?” With that she stood quickly, pushing the chair out behind her.
“You need to up the dosage on your medication. It’s obviously not working. This Edward person isn’t real, Bella! I’m going to speak with your doctor right away.”
She turned and left. She never looked back at me. The attendant guided me back to my cell, removed my cuffs and chains and left me alone in my sorrow. I fell asleep crying.
I awoke a couple of hours later. It was dark. The medicated haze had taken over and it took me a few minutes to realize where I was.
The sounds you heard in this place at night were terrifying. People talking to themselves, slamming themselves against the concrete walls, telling nobody in particular that they were going to kill them. I guess that is to be expected in a mental institute.
I paced the cold concrete floor trying to remember the conversation I had previously with my mother. I couldn’t remember much. Something about crayons not being real. I shook my head. That wasn’t right.
I wonder if I could stop up the sink with something and leave the water running until I drowned. Somebody would probably see the water leaving my room and stop it before it got me. I sighed and continued pacing. It was too fucking cold to sleep.
I looked out the tiny window and could see the moon. It was so beautiful. I ached to be outdoors again. To feel the breeze against my skin and the warmth of the sun. The moon triggered a memory. I remember looking at the moon one night on campus with Edward. I think it was the first time he kissed me. He said the moon and stars were almost as beautiful as I was.
I sighed. There was nothing beautiful about me anymore. Maybe my mom was right. Maybe he wasn’t real. I didn’t know I could get mail. I had never gotten any before. I’m sure if some innocent, smart, young girl killed her police officer father, it would make the news. Surely Edward would have seen the news and tried to find me or heard about the trial. Maybe he didn’t want anything to do with a crazy girl in a mental institute. Maybe that’s why he had never tried to find me. Or maybe he wasn’t real. Maybe I really am crazy.
***Author’s Note: Sorry for the delay w/ this update, it’s been a hectic few weeks! Thank you all for the reviews! Happy Halloween <3 Twitter: @ AllOrNothingKR Facebook: Allornothingkr @ gmail (dot) com
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