Repentance - Chapter 22

CHAPTER 22:

When Emmett and I made it back to the hospital, all the same people were still there. Nothing had changed, except we would be allowed to see Edward, only for ten minutes, and only one at a time.

Everyone graciously let me go first.

I wasn’t prepared for what I saw. He was lifeless. He was bruised from head to toe. He had a breathing tube down his throat and a million more wires and tubes coming from all over.

I tried not to cry, I really did. I took a deep breath and approached him. I leaned down and gently caressed his cheek. “Hey, baby.” I kissed his opposite cheek. “I can’t stay long, everyone wants to see you.”

I squeezed his hand, and looked at his face, hoping to see any sign that he could hear me. There was nothing. He felt cold. I pulled the blanket over him and tucked it in at his sides.

I leaned down and whispered in his ear. “Edward, I have to go. I love you. Please don’t leave me.” I kissed his cheek again and reluctantly left the room so the next person could come in.

I fell apart shortly thereafter. He looked terrible, like he was in so much pain. I got the feeling, after leaving his room, that nothing would ever be the same. It didn’t matter if he survived, things would never be the same.

Nanna Cullen offered me her time with him, but I declined.

“No, you go ahead. He would want to see you, to know that you’re here.”

She finally agreed.

Everyone was pretty torn up after seeing him. We wouldn’t be allowed to see him again until the following day.

Mr. and Mrs. Cullen, along with Nanna Cullen, got a hotel room near the hospital. Mr. and Mrs. Cullen offered to get me a room as well, but I assured them I could stay with Alice.

Emmett took me back to our building. I told him I could walk to Alice’s. He initially refused, but I told him I needed time to think straight, and he eventually agreed. I waited around the corner for about half an hour. When I was sure he would be inside his own apartment, I went back to mine.

I had spoken with an investigator. They completed their investigation and took everything they needed. I could clean up now.

I slowly entered the apartment. It looked different from the last time I was here. All the little evidence markers and the baseball bat were gone. It looked like someone even initially wiped the floor clean, but the stains were still there.

I spent hours scrubbing the floor with water and vinegar. It mostly came clean with the exception of some of the blood that was between the hardwood. The walls were another story. They were splattered with blood. Initially, nothing I did seemed to help. I eventually resorted to my magic eraser and it took the blood off, but also a good layer of paint. I could re-paint.

I was cleaning up in the kitchen when I heard someone come in the door.

“Isabella Marie Swan!”

Alice. Shit.

I stepped out of the kitchen to face her. “What are you doing here? You’re supposed to be at my place. Emmett called to make sure you got there okay. I thought I might find you here.”

“I’m sorry. I had to clean up. I can’t stay with you forever.”

“Bella, when is the last time you slept?”

I looked down. I really didn’t know. “I’m not sure exactly.”

Alice stomped over to me and took the sponge from my hand. She tossed it in the sink. “I’ll take care of everything here. You don’t worry about it. I’m taking you to my place and you’re sleeping the entire night. Do you understand?”

I sighed and nodded my head in understanding. I was exhausted.

I had hoped to sleep. I think I did, at least for a couple of hours. Masen slept in the bed with me. I couldn’t stop staring at him, watching him sleep. He was so peaceful and oblivious to what was going on around him. I envied him. He looked so much like his father. I told him about Edward and that he would have a new brother or sister soon. He was asleep, of course, and didn’t hear a word I said.

I woke up shortly after 5:00 a.m. after a bad nightmare. I woke Masen too.

Masen sat up at looked at me.

“I’m sorry, honey. Go back to sleep.”

“Everything be okay, momma. I know.” He kissed my cheek and hugged my neck and it took everything inside me not to fall apart. “Daddy be okay.”

I looked at him, confused. How did he know? Did Alice tell him? “What’s wrong with Daddy, Masen?”

Masen sighed. “I dunno, Mamma. He said he be okay.” Masen rolled over and went back to sleep. He wasn’t making any sense.

I got up and made a pot of coffee, waiting for Alice to get up. She eventually did and she assured me that neither she nor Jasper had even mentioned Edward’s name.

I suddenly panicked that something had happened to Edward in the middle of the night. What if he passed?

“I’ve got to get to the hospital.”

“Bella, you’re over reacting. Maybe Masen just had a weird dream, I’m sure that’s hereditary.”

I blew her off and dressed quickly. I made my way to the door.

“Bella?”

I turned around to see Alice holding a set of keys in her hand. “Rose left these for you. Edward’s car is in the garage.”

“Thank you.” I hugged her briefly before heading out.

Edward’s car was fast. I liked it. I got to the hospital rather quickly. I wasn’t allowed in ICU because it wasn’t regular visiting hours. I looked in the private waiting room we were all in the day before. Esme was sitting against the wall, asleep. There was nobody else there. She hadn’t changed clothes.

I shook her lightly. “Esme?”

Esme startled and sat up straight. “What? Is he okay?” she asked.

“I don’t know, I was going to ask you the same thing. I just got here. I thought you were going home.”

Her eyes instantly became damp. “I couldn’t leave, Bella.”

I nodded my head. “Has anything changed?”

Esme shook her head. “They are supposed to be removing the breathing tube this afternoon to see how he does on his own.”

I sighed. I guess that was a good thing. “When can we see him again?”

“We can have ten minutes, beginning at 9:00 a.m.”

“They are really stingy with time around here.”

Esme almost laughed. “They don’t want the patients to get excited. If he does okay without the breathing tube, after he wakes up, they may move him out of ICU and to a recovery room.”

“Oh, that would be great. We’d never have to leave!”

Esme smiled. “My thoughts exactly.”

I smiled weakly at her. “Esme, I’ll be here. Why don’t you at least go back to the hotel and shower and change. That way you can be back by 9:00 a.m.”

Esme looked torn. “I don’t know, Bella. I just can’t leave him. Imagine if it were Masen, would you be able to leave?”

That was the end of that. “No,” I answered honestly.

For some reason, I felt uncomfortable in the room with Esme. I felt like I was keeping something from her. I should tell the Cullens about my pregnancy, but I wasn’t ready. I wanted Edward to know first, and actually acknowledge it. I wasn’t even sure if he would remember that I told him.

“I’m going to grab some coffee, would you like some?” I asked.

“Oh, that would be wonderful, Bella. Thank you.”

I took my time getting the coffee. I ate a blueberry muffin while I sipped my coffee inside the little coffee shop at the hospital. When I finished my muffin, I was still starving. I bought two more and headed back to ICU.

“I brought us some breakfast,” I said, as I handed Esme a muffin and coffee. I tore into my muffin immediately. She would surely know something was up if I had eaten two in front of her, they were pretty big.

Esme and I didn’t speak much as we ate our breakfast. Nine o’ clock was quickly approaching and I sat wondering if anyone else would show up. I secretly hoped they didn’t. Esme and I could each have five whole minutes with him.

The clock finally struck 9:00 a.m. I urged Esme to go first, and she agreed. I paced the room nervously.

Esme returned only three minutes later, with tears in her eyes. I hugged her when she came back into the room.

“He just looks like he’s in so much pain, Bella.”

I suddenly felt terrible. If it wasn’t for me, Edward wouldn’t be in this position. If I had of listened to him from the beginning about James. I sighed and apologized to Esme before stepping out of the room to go see Edward.

He looked worse than he did the day before. The nurse promised me he was doing better though. His face was more swollen and bruised than I remembered. His left eye was practically swollen shut.

I held his hand and leaned over him. I ghosted my fingers over the only unbruised part of his face. I kissed his cheek. “I’m so sorry, Edward.”

I thought I faintly felt his hand move in mine.

I leaned down to him again, whispering in his ear, “Can you hear me, baby?”

His index finger twitched in my hand, and I smiled. I stood straight up to alert the nurse, but realized she was no longer in the room. I wasn’t going to find her. I wanted my remaining four minutes.

I continued to hold Edward’s hand and I told him that they would only let us see him for a few minutes, twice a day. Otherwise, I never would’ve left his side. I told him his mom and dad were here, and Nanna Cullen, too. I told him we were all doing okay, including Masen, and that Emmett was keeping a close eye on me. He didn’t have anything to worry about. I told him I loved him, and I tried to get him to move his hand again, but he never did. Maybe I imagined it to begin with. I left his room feeling slightly depressed, but hopeful.

I left the hospital after that, knowing I couldn’t see him again until 5:00 p.m. I went by Alice’s to see Masen. I urged them to go out to lunch together, or something, anything. I felt horrible that they were having to keep Masen. They would have a child of their own soon, and never have alone time. Alice and Jasper went to lunch, while I stayed behind in Alice’s apartment and made lunch for Masen.

I was trying to ignore him.

He just kept repeating, “I want to play wit Daddy. Where’s daddy?” from the living room as I stood in the nearby kitchen.

He must have said the same thing four or five times before I lost it. “He’s not here, Masen!” I screamed at him.

I peeked around the corner to see big tears swelling up in his eyes. I tried to apologize, but when I saw his lip quiver and and his nose crinkle up, I knew my attempts were useless. He cried out at the top of his lungs. He rarely cried like that unless he was in trouble. His sobs were deafening and his face was bright red. I went to him quickly, where he was sitting in the floor, innocently playing before I yelled at him.

I scooped him up and rocked him like a baby, feeling my tears coming on. “I’m sorry, Masen. I didn’t mean to yell at you. Shhh, calm down. You’re going to make yourself sick.”

Nothing seemed to soothe him, and we both sat in the middle of Alice’s living room crying our eyes out for entirely too long.

I cried because I yelled at him and he didn’t do anything wrong. I cried because his father was in a hospital on his death bed, and it was my fault. I cried because I wasn’t sure I even wanted the baby inside of me, I just wanted the one currently in my arms to live a perfect and pain free life. I couldn’t possibly love anything more than I loved Masen. I cried because I didn’t know how to live without Edward and I didn’t know how I would ever be able to tell Masen he was gone, permanently, if it ever came down to it.

Masen eventually cried himself to sleep in my arms. I tried to carry him to the couch so he could take a nap, but my hair was fisted in his tiny fingers and no matter how gently I tried to remove them, he wasn’t budging.

“Stay, Momma.” he finally whimpered; and so I did. I sat on the couch while he napped in my lap.

I was too exhausted to continue reliving the nightmare of the past couple of days, so I laid my head back against the couch and fell asleep.

We were awoken some time later when Alice and Jasper came through the door laughing.

They got quiet when they realized they had woken us.

“Oh, sorry, Bella.”

I shook my head. “I don’t know how long I’ve been out. I need to get up. I need to get back.”

Jasper removed a still groggy Masen from my lap. I stood, and kissed Masen’s cheek. “I love you, sweet boy.”

Masen clung to Jasper’s neck, his head and disheveled hair against Jasper’s shoulder. Masen looked at me with the saddest eyes I’d ever seen and said, “Miss you, Mama.”

I had to turn away from him so I didn’t completely lose it. Sometimes, he looked like a spitting image of Edward. What had I done to deserve this? To be living my dream one minute, and shattered and pregnant the next, and then back to a dream and a beautiful life, to this. To feeling like I was on the edge of losing everything.

Alice hugged me, as Jasper carried Masen back down the hallway toward the spare room.

“I’m losing it, Alice,” I cried.

Alice soothed me. “It’s perfectly okay, Bella. It’s okay to lose it.”

I sniffled and stood back from her. “Please keep this,” I lightly placed my hand over my stomach, “between us.”

Alice nodded her head. “Of course, Bella. Don’t worry about a thing. Take all the time you need. Having Masen here has been fun for both of us. It’s like a test run!”

I nearly laughed, grateful I had such an amazing friend in her. I told her I loved her before heading back to the hospital.

Once I arrived, so had several others. Esme was still there. Now, Carlisle, Nanna Cullen, and Rose had all joined.

“How is he?” I asked.

Carlisle was first to answer. “They removed the breathing tube. He’s stable.”

I knew Carlisle knew more than he was letting on, he was a doctor for goodness sakes.

“Carlisle, please,” I begged. “I need to know the truth.” Big tears blurred my vision and I fought desperately to keep them from pouring over. “I can’t look at Masen and tell him his daddy will be home soon, if he’s never coming home.”

Carlisle looked down and away from me. “I don’t know, Bella. I just don’t know. It’s too early to tell. He’s still non-responsive, but the fact that he’s breathing on his own is a good sign.”

I sighed and collapsed on a chair nearby.

I only got to see him for two minutes that evening. Everyone else wanted to see him too. He didn’t look that different. I wanted him to wake up so bad. I just wanted to see his green eyes.

I knew I needed to go home that evening. If I wanted to keep my job, I had to be at work the next day.

Emmett insisted on following me. He was out of his car and to my driver’s side window before I even got my car in park inside the apartment garage. I rolled down my window.

“What are you doing here? You’re not staying here.”

“Why not?” I asked. “Rose and Alice cleaned the apartment.”

Emmett looked at me like I had four heads. “Bella, he knows where you live. You’re not staying here.”

Tears stung my eyes and a giant lump formed in my throat. I know it was sort of sick and selfish, but I wanted nothing more than to curl up in our bed, that smelled of Edward, and cry my eyes out. I didn’t care if James found me. I deserved whatever punishment he would cast upon me.

I just wanted to feel closer to Edward. I sighed. Maybe I could bargain with him.

“Well, I need to get some clothes. Will you come in with me for a few minutes?”

Emmett huffed and puffed, and finally agreed.

When we entered the apartment, it was sparkling. They even painted. It smelled fresh and clean, and I was suddenly concerned that my bed may not smell like Edward anymore.

“Stay here,” I said to Emmett, as I motioned towards the couch. “I may be a few minutes.”

I went to our room and quietly closed the door behind me. I collapsed onto our bed and as soon as I inhaled his scent, the waterworks began. I clung to his pillow as I cried, apologizing to it, as if he could hear me.

I guess I stayed in there too long. Emmett knocked lightly, not waiting for my response, and pushed open the door.

I looked up at him and he sighed. “Bella, come on. You can’t do this all night. I know this is hard on you, but I have to make sure you’re safe and I’d like to get home to my wife and daughter.”

I cried even harder. I got up and packed a bag with a few more things and let Emmett follow me to Alice’s place.

I spent the night there with Masen. I didn’t sleep well at all. I couldn’t stop thinking about Edward. I kept wondering if he was okay. What if he woke up and I wasn’t there? I tossed and turned all night. At one point, Masen rolled over, facing me, and sighed. He reached his little hands up to my face and closed my eye lids. “Sleep, Mamma,” he said softly. I tried, I really did.

I eventually got up earlier than I should have and decided I would go by the hospital before going into work.

I wasn’t allowed to see him, but I did get to check in with Esme. Nothing had really changed, but he was still breathing well on his own. They planned on moving him to a recovery room later that afternoon. I guess that was a good thing. I continued on to work, hoping it would be a distraction from everything that was wrong in my life.

**CHAPTER 23 - CLICK HERE**