Repentance - Chapter 20

CHAPTER 20:

I had to work the remainder of the week and Edward kept Masen when he wasn’t preparing for class. The Fall semester started the Monday following our mini vacation and Edward and I were dreading being thrown back into our hectic schedules.

The Monday that class started, I worked all day and then went straight class. Edward had to work at the library that night, so Alice was keeping Masen until Edward got home. I went to the library after class to print some things off for my upcoming assignments. I didn’t get home until late, and it was dark and quiet when I entered our apartment.

I quietly went back to Masen’s room first to check on him, and when I discovered he wasn’t in his bed, I began to panic. I quickly made my way across the hall and barged into my bedroom, only to find two sleeping boys in my bed.

I sighed, relieved. I had woken Edward up.

“Hey, where have you been?” Edward asked, sitting up and rubbing his eyes.

“I went to the library.” I sat down on the edge of the bed, and rubbed Masen’s back, and kissed his cheek. “You scared me. I went to check on him and he wasn’t in his room.”

“I’m sorry. We were reading a story in here. I intended to put him to bed, but I must have fallen asleep.”

Masen stirred and grumbled. I picked him up and carried him to his room. Edward was up and out of bed when I returned.

“Have you eaten? Can I fix you something?”

“No, I haven’t felt very well today. I think I’ll wait until breakfast. How were your classes?” I asked, changing the subject.

“Good, finally getting into the good stuff. How was yours?”

Edward was excited about finally getting into some of his criminal law and psychology courses. “It was boring, regular first day stuff, but seems like it will be fairly in depth.”

Edward undressed and got ready for bed. I did the same. It was nice sharing our bed together again. We hadn’t been intimate since our weekend getaway, and although I wouldn’t have minded, we were both too exhausted to be concerned with intimacy.

We both crawled into bed next to each other. Edward wrapped his arm around my waist and kissed my cheek. “Goodnight, baby. I love you.”

I smiled. “Goodnight.”
***

The morning came entirely to quickly and it was simply a repeat of the day before. Except this time, when I arrived in class, I was quickly taken back to a time I didn’t want to remember. James was seated in the front row.

I immediately felt sick to my stomach. I reminded myself that I needed to continue contacting some of the girls that responded to the fliers we posted around campus. James was giving me an evil look and I quickly made my way to a seat several rows behind him.

Before class began, I pulled out my cell phone and sent Edward a text message.

James is in my class. :( What time do you get off work? - B

It doesn’t matter. I can leave early. I’ll pick you up. Don’t let him bother you. - Edward

Thank you. I love you - B

I slipped my phone back inside my purse just as class began.

As I suspected, class was dismissed a little earlier than usual because it was the first night. I was worried that Edward wouldn’t be here yet, so I took my time gathering my things, waiting for James to leave before me. He didn’t.

I eventually decided I would leave ahead of him and hide out in the ladies restroom until Edward arrived.

Just as I was going around the corner outside the classroom, I felt a hand on my shoulder. I was quickly pushed up against the wall and James was in my face.

He held up a crumpled piece of hot pink paper, and I didn’t have to read it to know what it was. “Did you have something to do with this?” he asked through gritted teeth.

It was one of the fliers Rose and I had placed around campus over the summer about rape awareness. I shook my head no. James had his hand around my neck, nearly choking me. A couple of girls passed us, noticed something was wrong, but none were brave enough to intervene.

James began spitting threats at me if I talked. I could hardly breathe, his hand was squeezing my neck so tightly, pinning me against the wall. I had my eyes closed, he was practically spitting in my face. I vaguely remember hearing foot steps coming at us quickly, and then, suddenly, I could breathe again.

I coughed momentarily, regulating myself to the sudden availability of oxygen. I opened my eyes and turned to see Edward and James throwing punches at each other. Two professors came out of nearby classrooms and tried to break them up. When neither would budge, one of the professors began to call for security.

“You will pay for this Cullen; I’m not finished with you, or your stupid bitch,” James said before he hurried away.

I didn’t want to wait around for security to come and explain what this was about. Edward and I quickly made our way out the back of the building, through a fire exit.

We stopped just outside the door to catch our breath. “Are you okay?” Edward asked.

I nodded my head. “Are you?”

Edward nodded his head in response and pulled me to him. I hugged his neck, grateful that he arrived when he did.

We decided to go to the library across town and continue working on contacting some of the other girls who responded to the fliers. We needed to get the police involved, and soon, but we wanted to have as much proof as possible.

We couldn’t find a parking space near the library and ended up parking on the street, a few spaces down from my old apartment building. Edward and I walked passed it, not speaking. It looked even more run down than before. There were two men in front of the building casually exchanging money, probably for drugs.

Edward released my hand, and put his arm around my shoulders, pulling me further into him. “Don’t stare, Bella.”

I pulled my gaze away from the two men on the street and shuddered. I was so grateful Masen and I weren’t living there anymore.

Edward and I continued to the library, finding a private study room in the back.

I had already spoken to some girls who claimed they were raped, but we needed to contact the others and set up times to meet with them to see how legitimate they were and if they were willing to go to the police with us.

Edward and I sifted through emails received from some of the girls over the summer. Some were very secretive, not wanting to share many details, and others were very descriptive, even naming their attacker. All of them were scared. All of them were warned not to tell.

***

Over the next two weeks I met with about a dozen girls who had been raped on campus. Only two of the girls didn’t know the identity of their rapist, the other girls knew their rapist and were raped at a frat party, or by a fraternity brother. Of the 12 girls we spoke with, only three had actually reported the rape. Of those three, two of the rapists were still unknown, and the third was cleared of all charges with an alibi and no physical evidence.

Only six of the girls were willing to work with us and go to the police. The other six had obviously been threatened and were too scared, but they found comfort in knowing they weren’t the only ones, and it wasn’t their fault.

Edward and I nearly had everything together that we thought we needed to go to the police. However, I was still extremely scared. Of the six girls who agreed to go to the police with us, only one identified her rapist as James. I guess I was afraid it wouldn’t be enough to get him behind bars. Once he knew what we were up to, he would come after us.

Edward and I decided that, for now, we weren’t going to tell the police that he raped me. For now, it was just a group of women who came together, and discovered a common thread amongst their rapists, that they were all likely part of the same fraternity. Edward didn’t want it this way. He thought it would be better if we just came out with the truth up front. I wouldn’t press charges against him, but I still worried that he would be arrested or taken away from me somehow. I couldn’t do this without him. As soon as James found out, he would be after me. I needed Edward.

I was tormented over the next week with our decision to move forward. I was a little surprised when one Tuesday evening before class, I received a new email from a girl claiming she had been raped by a fraternity brother. Her name was Tori, and we agreed to meet after class at the library on campus. She seemed very eager to make contact with me.

James hadn’t bothered me the past few weeks in, or after, class. Edward was always there waiting for me. Class let out a few minutes early and I explained to Edward that I had to go meet with the new girl that came forward at the library.

Edward walked me to the library. We stood talking momentarily in the lobby. A girl with curly blonde hair walked past us, and eyed us curiously. She made her way through the stacks and to a table near the back of the library.

“I think that was her. We are supposed to meet back there. I’ll be back in a few minutes, okay?”

Edward nodded his head, but had a strange look on his face.

“What?” I asked.

“She looks familiar, but I can’t place where I know her from.”

“Maybe you had a class with her,” I suggested.

“Maybe,” he said.

I reached up and kissed his cheek. “Wait for me...” I offered as I made my way out of the lobby.

I walked quickly to the back of the library. I approached the blonde curly haired girl sitting alone at a study table.

“Hey, are you Tori?” I asked.

She looked up at me. She seemed scared. “Yes,” she said quietly.

“I’m Bella.”

She smiled weakly. “It’s nice to meet you.”

“It’s nice to meet you, too.” I started into my next question when she interrupted me.

“Why were talking to him?” she asked suddenly.

I was confused. “Who?” Was she referring to Edward?

“The tall guy in the lobby,” she whispered.

“That’s my boyfriend. Do you know him?”

Her eyes grew large, and her hand flew to her mouth to stifle her gasp. “He’s the one who raped me!” she suddenly cried.

I looked around to see if anyone else had heard her. Did I hear her correctly? The look on her face told me I did. She had to be wrong.

“Are you sure?” I asked. “Maybe he just looks like . . .” I trailed off.

“No, I’m certain. I’d know him anywhere.”

I couldn’t breathe. The room began to spin. I was hot. She was wrong. She had to be wrong. Edward said she looked familiar. I suddenly felt violently sick to my stomach and I got up and ran to the restroom.

I vomited multiple times. I was grateful the toilet I was hugging had recently been cleaned. I sat there on the floor in the bathroom questioning everything. Did I even really know Edward? By the time I eventually exited the bathroom, Tori was gone.

I was so angry I couldn’t see straight. I walked right past Edward in the lobby. He followed after me, grabbing me by the arm just outside the library.

“Bella, what’s wrong? Where are you going?”

“Don’t touch me!” I screamed at him. He released my arm. He looked hurt and confused. He looked the way I felt.

“Bella, please. I don’t understand.”

“She said you were the one who raped her,” I cried.

Edward’s eyes grew large. “What? She’s lying. That’s not true.”

“You said she looked familiar!”

“That doesn’t mean I did it! Jesus Christ, Bella! Even if I did, I’d sure as hell remember what she looked like, but I didn’t!”

“Why would she say that?”

Edward shook his head. “I don’t know. Where did she go? I want to talk to her.”

“I don’t know. She was gone when I came out of the bathroom.”

We walked in silence back to his car. I didn’t know what to think. I wanted to believe him, but Tori seemed certain. What if I wasn’t the only one Edward had raped? The thought made me sick. We didn’t speak on the way home.

We entered the apartment, and Alice could sense the tension between us.

“Bella, are you alright?” Alice asked.

I fell apart. I wasn’t alright. There was something neither of them knew. Something I had been denying myself. I felt like I couldn’t deal with what was going on in my life anymore. The recent revelation about Edward was the final straw. I felt like I was going to break into a million pieces at any moment.

Alice held me while I cried. “What did you do to her?” she asked of Edward.

“I didn’t do anything! She won’t listen to me!”

Alice eyed him suspiciously.

“You can sleep on the couch,” I called back to him as I began walking to our room.

I heard him sigh. “Damn it, Bella!” he yelled.

I quickly turned around to face him and he continued.

“After all we’ve been through, you still don’t trust me?”

“I don’t know what to think anymore, Edward!”

I said my goodbyes to Alice, grateful she wasn’t insistent upon knowing what happened between us. I went to our room and closed the door.

We didn’t see each other, except in passing, over the next few days.

I finally got a hold of Tori over the weekend. She apologized for leaving unexpectedly, but said she was afraid to be there alone with Edward nearby. She told me everything. She said she was raped almost three years ago, so it would’ve been around the same time that I was raped. She said it was at a frat party, and she was sure Edward was the one. She said she had never reported it to the police. She said she knew of Edward before the rape, she knew he had a girlfriend named Tanya, which is why she was so surprised that he did it.

When she mentioned Tanya I nearly got sick again. I was devastated. How would she know about Tanya if Edward didn’t know her?

Tori wanted to go with us to report the rapes, she wanted details about how many people we had involved and if I thought it was going to work, etc. I told her all I knew. I had been planning to go to the police the following week, but with the new developments with respect to Edward, I wasn’t certain.

I told Tori I’d keep in touch with her and let her know for sure.

When I got home that night, Masen was in bed and Edward was studying on the couch.

“Can I make you something to eat, Bella? You look pale, and sickly. Are you alright?”

I suddenly fell apart. I couldn’t hold myself together anymore. I fell to my knees and sobbed uncontrollably. Edward immediately came to my side and held me and I tried to push him away.

“She knew you and Tanya were together. How would she know that?” I cried. “She isn’t lying! You raped her!”

Edward looked so confused. He ran his hands through his hair. “Bella, I don’t know how she knows about Tanya. I must know her from somewhere. I swear on my life, on Masen’s life, I did not rape that girl. James has be to be behind this somehow. This is a set up.”

I sat in the floor and cried, so much so that I was nearly hyperventilating.

“Bella, please, look at me...”

I looked up at him through my watery eyes.

“Bella, I didn’t do this. I promise. Remember what we had, what we have, I love you. I promised I would never lie to you again and I’ve kept that promise. I did not do this, you have to believe me.”

I got up and went to our room without responding to him.

He was gone the following morning when I woke. He stayed gone the entire weekend. The more thought I gave it over the weekend, the more what Edward said made sense. Maybe James was behind this. Tori emailed me awfully late. There weren’t any fliers left around campus, James and his guys had removed them all. She was very inquisitive about when we would be going to the police. Maybe she was fishing for information. I was so confused. I shouldn’t have gone off on Edward without knowing all the facts. I tried to contact him Sunday night, but he never responded. When Monday morning came and he still hadn’t returned, I continued with my regular routine and went to work.

I called Rose on my lunch break and asked if she had heard from him. Apparently he had told her everything and he and Emmett had been on some manhunt for Tori.

He didn’t come home Monday night.

I went to work Tuesday and sent him a text message.

Will you please talk to me? I think you may be right... - B

I’m in class. I know I’m right. I’m sorry I haven’t been home, this is driving me crazy. I have to find her. I’ll pick you up tonight. I love you - Edward

I sighed. I forgot I had class with James that night. At least I would get to talk to Edward, and apologize. I felt awful, but the more I thought about it, the more it made sense. Something was slightly off putting about Tori and Edward wouldn’t have been so eager to tell Rose and Emmett everything if he really did it. They obviously believed he was telling the truth about having nothing to do with Tori.

I left work a little early and arrived on campus earlier than usual. I did some studying in the library before class.

When I left the library to cross the common area to my building, I saw something that left me terrified.

James and Tori. They were sitting on a ledge outside the building our class was in. He had his arm draped over her shoulder and they were kissing. I couldn’t breathe. She knew all our plans. She had been telling him all a long. She was his informant. She was using me. She got all the details about me and Edward from James. The entire thing was a set up.

They caught me staring and quickly separated and I ran into class. I set my bag down, and then felt sick again, and went to the restroom. I knew the real reason I felt sick, but I just kept denying it. By the time I returned, class had started, and James was no where to be seen.

I had to wait an excruciating hour and a half before the professor gave us a break and I could retrieve my cell phone. I sent Edward a text message.

You were right. I saw them together. James knows everything. I’m sorry I didn’t believe you. I’m so sorry. - B

I waited, and waited. He never responded. Class resumed and I sat anxiously staring at the clock. When class ended, I looked at my phone, and Edward still hadn’t responded to me. I left class to look for him and he was no where to be found. I called and called his phone and he didn’t answer. He was supposed to be watching Masen tonight.

I called Rose.

“Rose, it’s Bella. Have you heard from Edward?” I could hear Masen laughing in the background and I was slightly relieved.

“Yea, he left here about an hour ago to pick you up. I told him I’d keep Masen until you guys got back.”

I felt sick again. “He’s not here. He won’t answer his phone. Something is wrong. This isn’t like him.”

“That’s strange. Maybe there is traffic. Maybe his phone is dead. Do you want me to send Emmett to come get you?”

“No, I’m almost to the bus. James wasn’t in class tonight.”

“Okay, I’m going to try to call Edward, too. Keep me posted.”

“Okay, let me know if you get him. Tell him he’s in deep shit.”

Rose laughed. “Will do!”

Maybe she was right. Maybe he got struck in traffic, or had an accident. Maybe his cell phone was dead. Those were all very logical and possible reasons for him not being here. I wished any of them at all were true; because the truth, I was not prepared to handle.

**CHAPTER 21 - CLICK HERE**

Repentance - Chapter 19

Chapter 19:

Things went okay over the next few weeks. Edward and I seem to do well, except on days that we had to see the counselor. It was just such intense therapy that brought back feelings and emotions I hated. It was hard to just snap out of it when it was over. Edward and I generally didn’t speak to each other after counseling. It was just easier that way for us to process things individually. The counselor had encouraged us both to make a decision about what we wanted. We couldn’t continue to keep each other in limbo. It was obvious I was hurt and that Edward was sorry. Dragging out the inevitable any longer was just wasting valuable time.

School would be starting back soon, and we would get lost again in our hectic lives. The counselor suggested Edward and I take a weekend and go away, just the two of us, and try to be a normal couple, to see how it felt, to see if it is what we wanted. I didn’t really need to get away for the weekend to figure that out, but Edward thought it was a good idea.

Rose and Emmett brought baby Emmalie home last week and they had their hands full. Alice and Jasper agreed to keep Masen for the weekend.

We returned home from dropping off Masen at Alice’s and Edward still hadn’t told me where we were going.

“I don’t even know what to pack,” I said to him.

“It will be warm. Bring a swim suit.”

I was busy packing my things into my suitcase when Edward came up to me. I looked up at him from the floor, where I was kneeling next to my suitcase. He held his hand out for me to stand up. I took it and stood in front of him. He had a serious look on his face.

“What is it?” I asked.

Both of his hands came to my face, caressing my checks. I inhaled sharply, not used to the intimate contact. I wanted to push him away immediately, but I steadied myself, and let his hands remain where they were.

“Will you promise me one thing?”

The serious brooding look on his face tugged at my heart. Sometimes I could be so angry at him, and other times I just wanted to make him feel better and take all his hurt away. “What?” I asked.

“Can we please, just for this weekend, forget about what happened. We both know what happened, we’ll both have it hanging over our heads for the rest of our lives. I just want everything to be normal, like a normal couple, like the counselor suggested. I need to know that what we were hasn’t been lost, that we are still capable of loving each other.”

I attempted to respond, but his lips gently pressed against mine and prevented me from speaking. His kiss, once something so familiar, felt so unknown. He tried to pull away, but I followed him, desperate to find the familiarity I once knew. He was holding back. I broke away just long enough to whisper against his lips, “Kiss me like you mean it.”

Before I even got the last word out, his lips were on mine. His arm was tight around my waist, and his right hand was fisted into my hair. Our hungry and desperate mouths got reacquainted and it felt familiar again.

We were both breathless by the time we let each other go. We stared silently at each other for a moment before I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him to me. “I promise. I know I don’t make it easy on you. I’ll try to do better, I promise. I want it to work, Edward. I do. I love you.”

I leaned back enough to see his eyes when I told him I loved him. At first, all I saw was disbelief, and then relief. He pulled me to him, and we stood there, in the middle of our room, clutching on to each other.



I woke up early the following morning to the sound of the alarm going off at 4:00 a.m. I groaned, and felt Edward slip out of bed. I went back to sleep.

Sometime later, he returned, and I felt his fingers brushing across my cheek.

“It’s time to get up, baby. I brought you some coffee.”

I smiled at his thoughtfulness, and made myself a promise to be sincere in forgetting about everything for the weekend. I stretched and sat up as I sipped my coffee while Edward took our things to his car.

I was still in bed when he returned.

“We have to go. Our flight is in an hour and a half.”

“Our flight? We’re flying somewhere?”

Edward laughed. “Yes, get out of bed.”

I was kind of intrigued now. I jumped out of bed. “Do I have time to shower?”

“If you hurry.”

“I can hurry!” I eagerly headed to the bathroom and showered quickly before heading out to the living room where Edward was waiting. We gathered the last of our things and headed out.

We were running late by the time we arrived to the airport. It didn’t take me long to determine we were headed to San Diego. I was so excited. I had never been there before.

As soon as I got seated next to him on the plane, I laid my head on his shoulder and fell asleep.

I was walking through a busy mall. Everyone was blurry and I felt so heavy, like there was a huge weight on my shoulders. I was by myself, with the exception of all the other shoppers. Even with all of the other people around, I couldn’t help but feel overwhelmed with loneliness. People wouldn’t come into view until they were right next to me. I kept seeing little boys pass by me with their parents. All the little boys looked like Masen. Sometimes he would be in a stroller, still an infant. Other times he would be older, walking next to someone, holding their hand. It wasn’t me. None of those people were me. I would turn around to try to follow them, but they would disappear back into the blur. I kept walking through the mall, continuously turning and turning, trying to follow the little boys. I felt so heavy. I wasn’t sure if I had actually moved at all. Eventually I turned and faced a store. It was one of those family portrait centers. I could see clearly inside. There was a middle aged couple posing for a family portrait with their son. My son. Masen. They were posing for the photograph with Masen. I rushed inside and scooped him up, right from the little bench he was sitting on. He began screaming at the top of his lungs. The two middle aged people began pulling him from me and yelling at me. They kept telling me he wasn’t mine. I gave him away. He was theirs now. I didn’t understand. I didn’t understand why he didn’t recognize me, why he didn’t want me. He cried for “mama” and reached his arms out towards the middle aged woman. I let him go then. They glared at me disgracefully, and I quickly seemed to be pulled from the store, as if I were floating backwards at a high speed, my arms still outstretched towards Masen.

“Bella? Bella! Wake up!”

I felt Edward shaking me and I opened my eyes, realizing it was a dream. Everyone seated around us on the plane was staring at me. I was so embarrassed. I didn’t even realize I was crying. It took me a minute to process everything. I looked to Edward, apologetically.

He pulled me to him. “It’s okay. Are you alright?”

I nodded my head and buried my face in his chest to avoid the stares of those seated around us. I heard a little girl behind us ask her mother what was wrong with me.

I heard Edward sigh. “Even your subconscious won’t allow us a weekend of peace,” he said.

I felt awful. I couldn’t help it though. “I’m sorry, Edward. It wasn’t about you, necessarily,” I said half heartedly as I looked up at him.

“You don’t have apologize to me, Bella.” He paused for a moment, and when I didn’t say anything, he continued. “Do you want to talk about it?”

I adamantly shook my head no and wiped the tears from my cheeks. “I’m not ruining our weekend and I’m not breaking my promise,” I said sternly.

Edward gave me that crooked smile of his that made me fall in love with him. I smiled weakly at him before requesting a cup of coffee from the stewardess. I couldn’t risk falling asleep again around all these people.

Edward and I landed in San Diego a couple hours later. Edward had rented a car and we headed out towards our destination. We were actually staying in La Jolla, which was just North of San Diego.

I literally couldn’t believe my eyes when we arrived at the La Valencia Hotel. It was breathtaking. The Mediterranean architecture was my favorite.

“Edward, this looks like entirely too much,” I said, as I admired the hotel as we pulled up to the valet parking attendant.

“Don’t worry about it, Bella. You deserve a relaxing weekend,” he said as he grinned at me.

I leaned over and kissed his cheek. “Thank you.”

We both exited the vehicle. Edward gave the keys to the valet and we headed inside with our bags to get checked in.

Our room was just as breathtaking as the outside of the hotel. The Mediterranean style continued throughout our room and the lavishly appointed spa-like bathroom. There was a beautiful chandelier above our bed and a large window on one wall looking out over the ocean. The adjacent wall had french doors that opened to a petite balcony. The fresh air was heavenly.

Edward was wrong, I didn’t deserve any of this, not after the way I had treated him. My conflicted feelings began to creep back in and I quickly pushed them aside, remembering my promise to him.

We unpacked a few of our things and still had the entire day ahead of us. Edward suggested we go to the San Diego Zoo and I absolutely jumped at the idea. It was a nice day, it wasn’t too warm and the zoo was a great place to spend the day. Edward and I made sure to take a lot of pictures for Masen. We both sort of felt bad for enjoying the zoo without him.

After the zoo we went back to our room and while Edward was showering, I snuck out to a little boutique down the street. Edward said we were going to a nice dinner, and I hadn’t really brought anything dressy. I wanted to dress up, I wanted to feel whole again. I had let myself go a lot lately and I wanted to undo that tonight. Thoughts of what would happen between Edward and I in that beautiful room after dark plagued my mind. One minute, the thought excited me, and the next it terrified me. There was always one thing I couldn’t deny; I loved him. Regardless of how much he hurt me, I knew he never intended to. He gave more to me and Masen than I could’ve ever wished for and I owed him this one weekend of normalcy to see if our relationship could finally begin to move forward. I cleared my mind, and began the search for the perfect little black dress.

I had been gone entirely too long by the time I arrived back to our room. Edward was pacing back and forth at the foot of the bed, wearing nothing but a white towel around his waist. His hair was still damp, and it was obvious he’d been running his hands through it.

He looked up at me when I entered. “Where have you been?” he asked. “I was worried sick about you.”

“I’m sorry. I just went to do some shopping. I didn’t mean to be gone so long. I forgot my cell; I would’ve called.”

Edward took a deep breath and blew it out. “At least leave a note or something next time.”

I nodded my head. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.” Edward seemed to shake off his irritation with me and changed the subject. “What did you buy?”

I smiled. “You’ll see later. I need to get in the shower.”

Edward grinned as I walked past him, toting my shopping bag, to the bathroom.

I don’t think I’ve ever spent as much time in the bathroom as I did that evening. I showered, shaved, lathered myself with lotion, put on my new undergarments, and my new dress. I did my make-up and my hair. I was rather pleased with the way I looked, considering I did it all by myself, without the help of Alice.

I was putting the final touches on my make-up when I heard a knock at the door. “Bella? I don’t mean to rush you, but you’ve been in there a very long time.”

I giggled. “I know, I’m almost done,” I yelled back to him.

“Good, I’m starving!”

“Sorry, baby. I’ll be out in a minute.”

I knew that made him smile. I didn’t have to physically see it, I just knew. Knowing that he was smiling, made me smile.

I pinned my hair up in a loose bun in the back, and left a few shorter strands loosely curled around my face. I slipped my new heels on, took a deep breath and headed out of the bathroom.

Edward was on the small balcony when I exited the bathroom. He turned around when he heard me enter the room. I stood still, waiting for his reaction. His eyes said it all. This wasn’t your typical little black dress. It certainly wasn’t a dress I would normally wear.

The dress was made from a black satin material, with a lace material over it. It was sleeveless, with a tube-type top and extremely fitted. It hugged my curves in all the right places. The satin material mostly covered the front of me, with my skin exposed slightly under the lace-only edged hem just above my breasts and the bottom of the dress. The back of the dress was lace only, until you reached the extreme portion of my lower back. The black satin material began again there to cover my derrière, which it just barely did. The dress was dangerously short. It made my already long legs seem even longer. I wore matching black satin pumps with a stiletto heel.

“I’m ready,” I said simply.

I think it was safe to say that Edward was speechless.

He stumbled for words momentarily. “What are you trying to do to me?” he finally said, teasingly.

I laughed momentarily, and spun around so he could see the back of the dress.

“You look amazing. You’re beautiful, Bella.”

I smiled and, for the first time, took in his appearance. He had on a pair of black slacks with dress shoes, a white button up shirt and a black tie worn loosely around his neck. He looked good enough to eat. I noticed an unfamiliar look on his face, he wasn’t happy anymore. He looked confused.

“Edward, what’s wrong?”

He shook his head. “Nothing, I’m fine.”

“I don’t believe you. Is this too much? I can put something else on.”

He scoffed. “No, Bella. It’s not you. You look lovely.”

I walked closer to him, tugging gently on his tie. His arms wrapped around me and he buried his face in the crook of my neck. I wrapped my arms around his neck. “What is it, Edward?” I whispered. “Tell me...” I pleaded.

He lifted his head from my shoulder and my heart ached when I saw his face. His face was flushed, his eyes watery. “Edward?”

“I’m sorry,” he said softly. “You just amaze me sometimes. Your strength and determination are unbelievable. I just want a million more moments, just like this, when you take my breath away. I don’t want to lose you, Bella. I just can’t imagine a life without you. You’ll always own my heart. Please, just be careful with it.”

I was nearly in tears when he finished. I willed myself not to cry and ruin my makeup. I didn’t even know what to say to him. I pulled him to me, and we embraced briefly before I became concerned with transferring makeup onto his shirt. “I love you, Edward.” I took his hand in mine. “Let’s go have a nice dinner.”

He nodded his head and followed me to the door.

We went to a really fancy restaurant. Everyone was dressed impeccably. Edward and I were seated at a cozy table for two in the back of the restaurant near a window. The lighting was low and romantic.

We enjoyed a bottle of wine, and an exquisite dinner. It was one of those restaurants where the food arrives in strange shapes on your plate, and the food was tiny, but it was pretty. We shared dessert before we left.

We had walked to the restaurant and were making our way back to the hotel. The air had gotten cooler, but was still comfortable. There was a full moon that lit up the sky.

“Would you like to take a walk on the beach?” Edward asked.

I turned to face him and smiled. “I’d love to.”

We walked hand in hand along the beach, our shoes in our free hand. Occasionally the waves would chase us away, but once we were too busy looking at each other, and we nearly got soaked. Fortunately, my dress was so short that it didn’t really bother me, but the bottoms of Edward’s pants were soaked. We both laughed and moved away from the shore. Edward surprised me when he let his shoes fall to the sand, and he pulled me to him, embracing me. I let my shoes fall as well, so I could I have a better grip on him.

“Bella, this has been the most exquisite evening. This has simply been one of the best nights of my life.” He pulled a lock of my hair behind my ear, sending a chill over my body. “I don’t regret telling you. The most amazing feeling ever, is you knowing the truth, and still loving me, still laughing, and smiling. You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met. I love you.” He kissed me before I could even respond.

The night felt perfect to me too. I was so glad we decided to take a weekend to ourselves. Standing in the sand, the water at our feet, my lips on his, it all felt so right.

We didn’t speak after that. We walked hand in hand back to the hotel, and I was ecstatic, and honestly a little nervous, about the surprise I had waiting for him.

“Wait here for a minute,” I asked as we stood outside our door.

Edward gave me a funny look. “Why?” he asked.

“Just do it!” I said, disappearing inside.

Once inside, I went back to my shopping bag and placed a couple of candles around the room. I lit each one with a match. I cracked the door to the balcony, just enough to hear the sound of the ocean. I pulled the curtains closed. I took a deep breath, trying to reassure myself. Ms. Harding, my counselor, told me I had to make a decision, I had to accept what happened to me and move on, or let it control my life for an indefinite amount of time. I still wasn’t certain if I could ever forgive Edward, but I knew I loved him. I knew that I wanted him to be part of my life, as well as Masen’s. If there were ever to be a perfect night to test the waters, this was it. Everything was out on the table. I wanted to be normal again, I wanted to feel normal. Intimacy was a normal part of normal relationships.

I walked slowly to the door and paused for a moment before opening it. I reassured myself of my decision and opened the door. Edward spun around immediately and I held the door open for him.

I couldn’t read his response to the mood I had set. He entered the room and walked around momentarily, admiring the candles. He almost seemed fearful.

He eventually turned to face me. “Bella, what is this?” he asked, as if he didn’t know.

I shrugged my shoulders. “You said we could be normal this weekend. Normal couples are usually intimate,” I said softly.

I heard him sigh and I wasn’t sure what that meant. He closed the gap between us. His left arm snaked around my waist, pulling me to him and his right hand gently caressed my cheek.

“Bella, you don’t have to do this. I’ll love you no matter what. If I can never make love to you again, I’ll still love you. I’ll find other ways to show you...” he trailed off. His lips pressed ever so softly against my own, and I felt myself melting in his arms.

“I want to try,” I responded. “I want to be normal. I have to accept what happened.”

Edward’s expression was pained. “I don’t want to hurt you anymore, Bella. I don’t want you to have horrible memories when I touch you.”

I began to loosen his tie and unbutton the first few buttons of his shirt. “You won’t hurt me, Edward,” I whispered. “This is love, now. It’s not desperation, anger, or immaturity. It’s love. Show me. Make love to me.” I pressed my lips to the crook of his neck, trailing my tongue upwards toward his ear lobe. He smelled incredible, and safe, and like home.

“Bella, I love you,” he said finally, giving in and finding my lips with his own.

“I love you,” I muttered against his lips. I’m not sure why, but I felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I felt relieved. I felt myself relax against him. He gently led me over to the bed.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous about being intimate with him again, but I was hell bent and determined. I continuously filled my mind with wonderful memories of Edward and Masen. I refused to let myself remember that night. This was now, and this was different.

Edward was a complete gentleman. He went excruciatingly slow with me. We had been all serious and silent until it came time to take my dress off. Edward found the zipper on my side, but getting it off of me wasn’t so easy. We both laughed when he became frustrated with it. I finally helped him and shimmied out of my dress. I hated to ruin the mood, but it was expensive.

“Do you mind if I hang it up?”

Edward grinned at me. “Of course not, I’ll just stay here and enjoy the view.”

It was then I remembered I had on my new matching undergarments. I had a black lace strapless push up bra and a matching black lace thong. I smiled back at him as I turned, still in my heels, and went across the room to the closet to hang up my dress.

When I turned around, Edward was sitting on the edge of the bed. His tie was gone, and his shirt was untucked and unbuttoned. I slipped my heels off and made my way back over to him. I stood between his legs and his arms wrapped around my waist. He pulled me too him, hugging me, his cheek resting flush below my breasts, on my stomach. He breathed deeply and squeezed me tighter.

“Is this real?” he asked, “Because it feels like a dream.”

I smiled, and cradled his head against me. I kissed the top of his head. “It’s real, baby.”

His breath hitched and he gazed up me, as if he really thought he was dreaming. I leaned down and gently kissed his lips reassuringly. I stepped back and let him stand. I placed my hands inside his open shirt, on his bare chest, and moved them upwards to his shoulders, allowing his shirt to fall to the floor behind him. I removed his pants, and when we were both only left standing in our undergarments, we crawled onto the bed. Edward pulled the covers back for us.

We laid there for quite some time kissing, and savoring each other. The sound of the waves crashing in the background was heavenly. I never wanted it to end. Edward held me close to him as we continued to make love with our lips. It was as if we couldn’t get enough of just kissing each other. I guess we had a lot of lost time to make up for. As he kissed me, his fingertips danced along my bare back. It sent a chill over me and I snuggled into him even more.

The entire night was magical. Not once did I have a terrifying memory. Not once. I wasn’t afraid, I wasn’t worried. I was loved. I was so wrapped up in my thoughts of how much I loved him, and how much I needed him, that the rape never even crossed my mind. We made slow, sweet love for hours. I never felt like I was close enough to him, even when we were one. I never quite realized how much I missed him until now.

We were both exhausted and slightly delirious as we fell asleep when the sun began to rise.

I was the first to wake, shortly after noon the next day. Edward and I were facing each other, as close as possible, our legs tangled together, his left arm draped over my waist. It looked like he was smiling, but his eyes were closed.

“Edward?” I whispered.

No response. He was asleep. His breathing was even, and peaceful. I guess he was just happy. I was probably sleeping with a smile on my face as well. I smiled at the thought, and gently kissed his cheek.

He stirred, yawned, and eventually opened his eyes. “Good morning,” I said.

He looked at me, and gently pushed a stray lock of hair behind my ear. “Good morning, beautiful.”

It was like falling in love all over again. I couldn’t stop smiling. We ordered room service, and spent most of the day in bed being lazy.

We eventually made it out to the pool for a couple of hours, both of us burning due to the lack of sun available in Seattle. We shared a quick dinner at the hotel restaurant before returning to our room for the evening.

We took turns bathing each other in aloe vera before we fell asleep. We were too exhausted and uncomfortable from our sunburns to even think about touching each other.

The next morning, we regretfully headed back home, and back to a cruel reality.


**CHAPTER 20 - CLICK HERE**

Repentance - Chapter 18

CHAPTER 18:

I don’t think I slept ten minutes that night. I couldn’t stop thinking about Edward and what happened on the roof top deck. I found myself making notes in the middle of the night about things I wanted to talk to the counselor about. I hated what Edward did to me, not just the rape, but keeping it from me for so long, and practically sweeping me off my feet in the process. That was almost harder to deal with than the fact that he rapped me.

I eventually pushed all thoughts of Edward aside as we all began preparing for Masen’s birthday the following morning. My mother was erratic. I don’t think she actually helped prepare anything. She played with Masen the entire time. Rose, Alice, Esme and I were on the rooftop deck setting things up when my dad arrived. He must have ran into my mom at the apartment and got sent up.

“Hey, Dad!”

Charlie came up to me and gave me a big hug. “Hi, Bells.” He kissed my cheek and when I turned back around, everyone was staring at us.

“Oh, Dad, this is Esme and Rosalie.”

Esme extended her hand to Charlie. “Hi, I’m Esme Cullen, it’s a pleasure to meet you.”

Charlie had reached for her hand, but as soon as she said her last name he stopped and looked at me.

I sighed. “This is Edward’s mother and sister.”

“Did you invite him?” Charlie asked, referring to Edward.

“Of course I did. Masen would be so upset if he wasn’t here.”

Charlie shook his head in disgust and began walking away.

“Dad!” I yelled at him. “Come back here, right now.”

Charlie gave me a surprised look, I didn’t usually talk to him like that. He walked back over to us.

“Esme and Rose had nothing to do with what happened between Edward and I. Stop acting like a child by being rude to them.”

Esme stepped forward. “Oh, no. Bella, it’s okay, really. I understand your father’s position completely. Let’s just get through the day for Masen, okay?”

We all looked at each other, nodded our heads, and went our separate ways.

I was really stressed out and just wanted to find a place to be alone, but it was turning out to be a rather impossible task.

***

Within a few hours Masen’s birthday party was in full swing. I went back down to the apartment to get Masen’s cake, as we didn’t want it sitting out in the hot sun. Everyone had already had lunch, grilled hamburgers and hot dogs, courtesy of Charlie and Carlisle. All that was left was cake and presents. I was so exhausted from the lack of sleep the night before that I really couldn’t wait for it all to end so I could catch a nap.

I made it back up to the rooftop deck with everything I needed, and as I opened the door to the deck, something came over me.

I looked out towards the party. There were balloons, food, children and adults laughing, music playing, a giant inflatable super man slide, and a table full of presents. Edward was sliding down the inflatable slide with Masen on one side of him and Ally on the other. Ally was a little girl that went to day care with Masen and he was absolutely smitten with her. She was a year older than him, but they loved to play together. I wish things would always stay this simple for him, uncomplicated and innocent.

I was still standing in the doorway, observing the scene in front of me, when I thought back to this time last year. Masen’s first birthday was a disgrace. I was working and taking two summer classes. I had a big exam the next day and insisted Masen didn’t need a big birthday party. Not to mention I didn’t have a dime to spare. Alice didn’t speak to me for a week because of it, but I was so insistent to do everything on my own. Masen had one gift, one cup cake, and one candle, and it was just me and him. Tears suddenly filled my eyes when I thought back to how sad our lives used to be.

Nothing that I saw before me would exist, if it weren’t for Edward. Absolutely none of it. Masen had so much more, not just material things, but intangible things, like love, and more people to love him. He has a father, another set of grandparents, a great grandparent, uncles and aunts. He has more than I ever imagined him having, and he was happy and beautiful. And he wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for Edward and what he did to me.

My vision had blurred from the tears building in my eyes and I was so startled to feel someone touch my arm that I nearly dropped everything in my hands.

“Bella? Are you okay? What are you doing?” Edward asked.

I handed a few things off to him and dried my cheeks of the few tears that fled.

The pad of Edward’s thumb caught another tear rolling down my cheek. “Bella, what’s wrong?” he sounded so sincere, it nearly sent me over the edge into a crying frenzy, but I collected myself.

I shook my head. “Nothing, I’m okay.” I reassured him as I tried to walk past him, back towards the party.

He stopped me, as he grabbed my elbow. “Bella, what is it? Please tell me. I’ll leave if I’m upsetting you, or if my family is unwanted, we’ll leave. I just want you to be happy. I don’t want to cause any trouble.”

I shook my head as I felt tears threatening again. “No, Edward.” I grabbed his free hand and squeezed it as I reached up to whisper in his ear. “These are happy tears. Please stay.”

I stepped back so I could see his face, but there was nothing in his eyes but confusion. “We’ll talk later, okay? We have a birthday boy to attend to.”

Edward seemed to relax, and we both headed back to the party.

Masen ate cake and ice cream until I thought he was going to be sick. He loved everyone singing him happy birthday, so much so, that he insisted we do it three more times. After I nearly had to bathe him to get the cake off his face and fingers, he got to open his presents.

He really got a little bit of everything, I was very pleased. He received things like clothes, books, and learning toys from the moms and moms to be in the group, which would help me out. He got toys, cars, and games from most of the guys in the group. There was one large box left sitting beside the table. It didn’t surprise me when Edward pulled Masen from the table to help him open it. Of course, Edward would buy him something bigger than he was. Edward let Masen tear every piece of wrapping paper from the box on his own. Once the paper was gone, Masen studied the cardboard box inquisitively. Nothing on the cardboard gave away what was inside, and Masen didn’t know how to get the box opened.

“Are you ready?” Edward asked.

Masen jumped up and down. “Yes! Open, Daddy!”

Edward lifted the cardboard box, and left standing there was a little guitar and stand that mirrored Edward’s larger one. It was probably half the size of Edward’s, specially made for a child. It wasn’t a toy like the one he had with lights and colors, it was the real deal. Masen was silent. His mouth hung open as he walked around it, touched it, smelled it even. It nearly brought tears to my eyes. Everyone was quiet, just watching him take it in.

Edward kneeled down to his eye level. “What do you think? You want to learn how to play?”

Without speaking, a huge smile spread across Masen’s face and he threw his little arms around Edward’s neck. I broke out of the fog I was in, and grabbed my camera. It made a beautiful picture.


Some time later people began dispersing and heading home. Rose was one of the first to go.

“Bella, I’m so sorry. I’m exhausted and hot. We’re going to lay down,” she said as she placed a hand over her ever growing stomach. “It was a beautiful party. I hope my child will be as beautiful and happy as Masen.”

I hugged her neck. “Thank you, for everything.” I placed my hand on her belly. “She will be perfect.”

Esme and Alice were helping me clean up and Edward and Carlisle were taking things downstairs. I don’t know where my mother and father disappeared to.

I was gathering some trash when Carlisle came up to me. “Bella, may I speak to you for a moment?”

“Of course.” I stepped away from what I was doing and followed Carlisle away from everyone else who was within earshot. I was a little nervous. Carlisle and I hadn’t really spoken since Thanksgiving.

“I know we haven’t really talked much, but I really feel like I owe you an apology.”

I was quiet and let him continue.

“I am sincerely sorry for the way my family treated you and Masen on Thanksgiving. We obviously didn’t take the time to get to know you or Masen, and we had no idea what had transpired between you and Edward.”

I took a deep breath and blew it out, remembering what it was like before I knew Edward’s secret. I nodded my head in response.

Carlisle grabbed my hand and I looked up, surprised. “Bella, you have made him into something I never was. I in no way condone what he did. In fact, it disgusts me and I still have a hard time even looking at him, but when I see him with Masen, I can’t describe the feelings it evokes in me. He is so much more of a father to Masen than I ever was to him. I know it means a lot to him, to do things differently than I did, to be there for his child. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for allowing him to be a part of Masen’s life.”

I was nearly in tears by the time Carlisle finished. We hugged briefly before continuing to tend to our duties.

By the time everyone had gone home, I was beyond exhausted. I couldn’t believe Masen was still up and going. All he wanted was to play with the guitar and Edward. I could tell he was tired, but he wouldn’t give in to sleep until he had his music time with Edward. While they played with their guitars, I tried to find places for all of Masen’s new editions.

When I was finished, I threw myself against the couch, and closed my eyes. I realized couldn’t hear the guitars anymore.

Edward entered the room a moment later. “I’m exhausted,” I said.

He smiled and sat down beside me, “Me too.”

We sat in silence for a moment before I turned to look at him. I squeezed his hand that was sitting so close to mine. “Thank you.”

“For what?” he asked.

“Just for being here, and for everything you got for Masen. He loves his guitar.”

Edward squeezed my hand and leaned over and kissed my cheek. At the same time, Charlie and my mother came through the door. I leaned forward to see my dad staring back at me with an evil face. Edward and I nonchalantly released our hands.

“Bella, I cannot deal with his. I’ve kept my mouth shut all day, but I cannot look at this,” he waved his hand towards us.

“Charlie, be quiet. You have no idea what she’s been through,” my mother started.

Edward stood. “It’s no problem. I’ll leave. I understand.”

I stood. “No, you don’t have to.”

My mom started bitching at Charlie and they began an all out verbal war.

“What is wrong with you women!” Charlie yelled. “I refuse to sit back and look at the creep that raped my daughter.”

Oh God. Charlie was pissed. He was beyond pissed. He was infuriated. His face was red, veins were protruding from his neck and he was eyeing Edward like a hawk.

Edward moved toward the door. Suddenly, Charlie grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and pushed him up against the door.

Charlie spoke through gritted teeth. “You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to kill you and now I can’t, because she’d kill me.” He motioned towards me.

“Dad, stop! Please!”

“No! I won’t stop!” Charlie turned to look at me. “Bella, I may not have seemed like the best father when you were growing up, but to me, you were always this big brown eyed 8 year old girl. You were so innocent and full of life, you had so much going for you. Since the day you came home from college, broken, shattered and pregnant, I swore I’d kill the bastard that did it to you. I spent hours after my shifts at the station, researching criminal records on every kid at that school, only to find nothing...”

If I blinked, tears would spill over my cheeks and on to the floor. “Dad, please. Stop. I don’t want to re-live it anymore!” I screamed.

My mom pulled at his arm, to release Edward.

Charlie looked back to Edward. “I swear to God if you ever hurt her again, I will kill you and all the money in the world won’t be able to bring you back.”

Edward swallowed loudly. “Yes sir.”

“Charlie, why don’t you drive me back to the airport on your way home. Bella looks exhausted,” my mom said. I knew she was just saying that to get him to leave. She would never want to be alone with him if she didn’t have to. Of course Charlie jumped at her offer.

“We need to get going, Charlie. Say your goodbyes,” my mom demanded.

Edward went back to the couch. I hugged my mom and dad and thanked them for coming. When they were gone, I wanted to collapse. I was so exhausted and embarrassed at Charlie’s display.

Edward looked tormented. Although I shouldn’t, I felt bad for him.

“Hey,” I started.

He looked up at me and I walked over to him. “You want to take a nap with me?”

He almost smiled, he nodded his head, and stood, grabbing my hand. We walked hand in hand into our bedroom. We both laid down on top of the bedding. Edward kept his distance at first, but I quickly curled up next to him with my head on his chest, listening to the beating of his heart. I loved that sound; I missed it. I missed our bed. It was so comfortable. Edward speaking interrupted my peaceful thoughts.

“You can’t honestly tell me that this doesn’t feel right.” His arm wrapped securely around my waist, squeezing gently.

I sighed. “It does feel right, Edward, but it also feels wrong to me. I don’t want to get into it right now. I’m exhausted.”

“You promised you would talk to me.”

“I know, and I will. I didn’t sleep at all last night. Please, just let me rest before Masen wakes up.”

Edward kissed the top of my head. “I’m sorry. Go to sleep,” he whispered. I was asleep almost instantly.


***

Edward and I spent the next few weeks in some intense counseling sessions. Sometimes they seemed immensely helpful, and at other times, I was so angry when I left that I never wanted to see Edward again. The counselor assured us that some days would be better than others. She was right, but the bad days were tough.

Edward had been staying on the couch more and more often. Rosalie was ready to pop out baby Emmalie at any minute, and Edward swore Rose was possessed.

I was making dinner one evening when he came through the door.

He picked up Masen and joined me in the kitchen. “What’s for dinner?”

I laughed. “I didn’t know you were coming.”

Edward shrugged his shoulders. “I can’t deal with the wrath of Rose anymore. Emmett may join us soon as well,” he joked. “Were you that moody when you were pregnant with Masen?”

I don’t know why that question bothered me, but it did. It really bothered me. I stopped what I was doing, and looked up at him, appalled that he even asked. The counselor wanted me to make a conscious effort to stop throwing things in Edward’s face, but I couldn’t. I had this sincere desire to make him understand what it was like.

“I was probably ten times as moody as your sister, Edward. You see, I didn’t know who my baby’s father was, I didn’t know where I was going to live, how I was going to feed him, I didn’t know anything. I didn’t even know if I was keeping him!” Thinking back to that time made me so angry. I felt tears sting my eyes. I hated the thought that I very nearly gave away my son. My sweet boy, that I couldn’t imagine living without now.

I could tell by the look on Edward’s face that he was a little shocked. He was just making conversation, he wasn’t trying to be rude or hurtful.

I took a deep breath and looked back down at the spaghetti sauce I was stirring. “I’m sorry.”

Edward kissed my temple. “It’s okay. You don’t need to apologize. Ever.”

I continued making dinner while Edward played with Masen in the living room.

Emmett eventually joined us for dinner, saying he needed time away from being Rose’s slave. We had a nice dinner. Masen really enjoyed being around Emmett, he thought he was so funny. He had began to refer to him as “Unky Emm.”

Later that evening, after Emmett left, Edward and I put Masen to bed together. We both sat with him as Edward read him a story. Edward always read the stories better than me. He gave all the characters different voices and Masen loved it. I realized at that moment, that I would never get tired of watching the two of them interact.

After we had Masen to sleep, we both sat quietly on the couch.

“So, I don’t know if this is the best time to bring this up, but Rose has given me two weeks to be out. There won’t be enough space for all of us once the baby comes.”

I knew that was coming. “So, what are you saying? You want to move back in?”

“I don’t know. I guess I wanted your opinion. I can’t really afford the rent on two places. I’ll stay on the couch. I’ll stay out of your way. I promise.”

I sighed. It was so hard to be around him all the time, because he made it so easy for me to just fall back into our routine of being together. I liked having him around, he was a huge help, especially with Masen. I hated that he felt like he had to tip-toe around me, but it was entirely my fault. I was still so conflicted with my emotions, and I didn’t want to take it all out on him all the time. School would start back soon, and we would have some space from each other, so I agreed.

“You can come back. We’ll make it work.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, I’m sure.”

“Thank you, Bella.”

We fell asleep together that night on the couch.

**CHAPTER 19 - CLICK HERE**

Repentance - Chapter 17

CHAPTER 17:


I drove through the night until I was home. It took just over three hours, and I made it home by midnight. I just wanted to put Masen to bed, and be alone.

Of course, that wasn’t what happened.

I opened the door to the apartment, flipped the light switch on, and saw Edward asleep on the couch. He woke up immediately.

“What are you doing here?” I asked.

“I was just giving Rose and Emmett a break. Are you okay? What happened?”

I didn’t respond. I walked past him and down the hall to put Masen to bed. I closed his bedroom door and returned to the living area. I went into the kitchen and poured myself a glass of wine before returning to Edward.

“Bad night?” Edward asked as he sat up on the couch.

I nodded my head. “I hate my life.”

“I’m sorry, Bella.”

My initial reaction was to say that it wasn’t his fault, but it was.

“My dad overheard me talking to you.” I looked at Edward and his eyes grew large. “I ended up telling him everything. We sort of got into it and I left.”

Edward sighed and hung his head. “He will hate me forever and I can’t blame him.”

“He doesn’t understand everything yet. I mean, he knows what you did, and that you’re Masen’s father, but he doesn’t know why and he doesn’t understand that even though you hurt me then, you protect me now...” I trailed off.

Edward looked up at me as I finished speaking. He pulled me into a hug. “Bella, I’m so sorry. If I could take it all back, I would.”

“I know, Edward. I’m tired, I’m going to go to bed.”

Edward nodded his head. “Do you mind if I stay on the couch?”

I shook my head, got up and headed towards the hallway. I looked back at him. “Edward, I think I need to talk to someone. I think your mom may be right, I cannot work through my feelings on my own.”

Edward nodded his head. “I think we both should.”

“Okay,” I responded and I disappeared down the hallway.

***

Nearly two months had passed since the weekend Charlie found out about Edward. Charlie would phone occasionally to check on me, but we didn’t speak much about it. I knew he was disappointed in me. I was finished with the Spring semester of school and was thrilled to be away from James and Dreadlocks, as I liked to refer to him.

Edward and I had been seeing a counselor that his mother suggested. As of now, we were going separately, but the goal was eventually to have us go together. So far, I didn’t think it was helping much, but I knew I hadn’t given it enough time yet. I was still just reliving the past year, I wasn’t moving forward. Ms. Harding, our counselor, assured me it would begin to feel beneficial soon.

Edward and I still kept our distance. We saw each other even less once school was finished, as he no long had to escort me to class once a week. He picked up Masen twice a week from daycare and kept him until 8:00 p.m. I also allowed him one weekend day every week with him. I didn’t mind him spending time with Masen, I just needed to develop a routine about it. Ms. Harding actually suggested it and I liked it. I could mentally prepare myself for having to see Edward at specific times, and he didn’t just pop up at my door anymore and throw my mind into a tailspin. Things were just beginning to feel like they were manageable.

I found myself missing Edward more and more. The more is was gone, the more I wanted him around. The more time that passed and the more I was assured that he was the same person I originally fell in love with, and not the confused, immature, desperate man that raped me, the better I felt. I wasn’t ready to forgive him, or let him back in, but it was becoming easier to deal with.

While I was at work one afternoon scheduling an appointment for a client, I realized while looking at the calendar, that Masen’s second birthday was only a week away. I completely panicked. I had almost forgotten. I called Rose to see if she wanted to grab lunch and plan a party for Masen. She agreed, and we called in Alice for obvious reasons.

Rose insisted we get Esme in on the party planning for financial assistance, if nothing else. I couldn’t help but laugh. I eventually agreed.

Two days later, Rose, Alice and Esme were in full force party planning mode. I sent invites via email due to the short notice. Esme, Carlisle and Nanna Cullen were coming. I was actually sort of excited about it. I was glad they would get to spend some time with Masen and see how wonderful he was. I was searching the internet for birthday cake ideas when there was a knock at the door. It must have been Edward with Masen. I was glad he here, I needed to tell him about the party, I hadn’t seen him in a few days.

I opened the door to let them in, and as usual, Masen was sound asleep against Edward’s shoulder.

“You always wear him out,” I teased.

Edward smiled. “He wears me out.” Edward headed down the hall and I assumed he was putting Masen to bed. I sat back down on the couch with my laptop to resume my cake search.

Edward sat next to me on the couch a few moments later and I was too lost in what I was doing to react.

“Bella, I didn’t even know when his birthday was.”

Shit. Rose must have told him about the party. His own sister knew when his birthday was and Edward didn’t, because I had never told him. “I’m sorry. I was going to tell you about the party tonight. You know I want you to be there.”

He nodded his head. “I should’ve asked you. I should’ve known. What kind of father doesn’t know when his child’s birthday is?”

“A father who wasn’t there for his birth.”

I didn’t mean it the way it came out and I immediately tried to retract what I said when Edward gave me a painstaking look. “I mean, you weren’t there, you couldn’t have known. It’s okay.”

“There are so many things I missed.”

I sighed; I didn’t feel like dealing with emotional Edward tonight. I was tired of feeling emotional. I just wanted our son to have a wonderful second birthday.

“Edward, get over it. You did it to yourself. All you can do is move forward. Stop living in the past.”

Edward glanced at me quickly, and I realized I just opened a can of worms.

“I could say the same thing to you.”

“But you wouldn’t...” I warned.

“You’re right, I wouldn’t.” Edward looked away from me and stood to leave. “Where and what time?”

“Saturday, the rooftop deck, at 2:00 p.m. I’m not sure if Rose told you, but your mom, dad and Nana Cullen are coming.”

“That will be nice. Are you going to put restrictions on what I can buy him?”

I rolled my eyes at Edward. “No, he deserves to be spoiled.”

Edward laughed and let himself out.

***

By the time the weekend rolled around, I was completely exhausted. My mom had surprised me and flown in the night before Masen’s birthday party. I wasn’t expecting her to be able to come, but it was nice to see her. Unfortunately, we spent the majority of the evening sharing a bottle of wine while I told her everything about Edward and I. She was completely shocked, but grateful that Masen would have a real father.

I was really worried about how the party would turn out, especially with the majority of the people knowing about Edward and I, and some that didn’t.

Just before my mom went to bed, she told me that she had talked to Charlie, and that he was planning on taking off work and coming up tomorrow for the party.

I completely panicked. Charlie told me he couldn’t make it because of work, and I was fine with that. I should’ve known he would come if my mom was here. I was tipsy, and it was late, but I had to worn Edward.

I sent him a text message.

Are you awake? Can you meet me on the rooftop deck? - B

He replied immediately. I’m awake now. What’s wrong? Why don’t I just come there?”

Mom is here. Meet you up there in 5? -B

Okay.

I only had on a pair of pajama shorts and a tank top, but it was warm out, so I didn’t care. I was alone when I stepped out on to the rooftop, with the exception of a younger couple off in the corner. The warm breeze felt quite nice, and I was glad I brought my glass of wine with me.

Edward was only a few minutes behind me, and he was wearing a pair of ragged blue jeans and a white t-shirt. He had bare feet, and bed hair. He was beautiful.

“What are you doing, Bella? How much have you had to drink?” He took the wine glass from me and I quickly reclaimed it.

“It doesn’t matter how much I’ve had to drink,” I said sternly. “I just had to tell my mother that you raped me, fathered my child, and then made me fall in love with you...I think that deserves a drink.”

Edward sighed. “I know what I did, Bella. You don’t have to remind me. Why are we here? It’s two o’clock in the morning.”

“Don’t remind you?!” I nearly screamed. “I’m reminded every day! Every single time I have to tell the fucked up story that is my life, every time I look at our son, every time I look at you!”

Edward took a deep breath. “Bella, I’m sorry. Calm down, and tell me why we’re here.”

I sighed and looked at my feet. I felt bad for taking my anger and frustration out on him. “I just found out Charlie is coming to the party tomorrow.”

Edward ran his hands through his hair. “So you don’t want me to attend now?”

I looked up at him quickly. “Of course not. I want you there. You’re his father. He would be devastated if you weren’t there.”

“But, Bella, I don’t want anything to be ruined for Masen. I’m sure Charlie will want a few words with me. I don’t want to cause a scene.”

I shook my head. “I don’t know what to do. I just want everyone to act like adults and make it through the party without upsetting Masen. I just wanted to warn you, so you wouldn’t be caught off guard tomorrow.”

Edward nodded his head. “Thank you.”

I turned to face the city while I sipped my wine. It was a beautiful night. I felt Edward come up behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist and burring his face in the crook of my neck. I couldn’t help but lean back into him. It felt so good to let my guard down for a moment.

He just held me, and neither of us spoke for a long time. I could have almost fallen asleep standing up, leaning against him.

I eventually turned around to face him, his arms still circled my body. I was going to tell him I had to leave, that I would see him tomorrow, but I couldn’t make the words come out of my mouth.

Instead, I sat my glass of wine down on the ledge next to me, and my hands cradled his scruffy face. It had been so long since I’d touched him, smelled him, kissed him. Oh God, it had been so long since I had kissed him. I missed him so much. I knew it was wrong, but I had to know if it would feel the same.

My finger tips explored his strong facial features as I leaned up on the ends of my toes. His breath hitched as I moved dangerously closer.

“Bella...” he warned.

“Shhh,” I whispered.

He tried to shake his head, but my hands held him still. “Don’t do this to me, and then take it all away tomorrow,” he whispered against my lips.

My heart ached. What I was about to do was entirely selfish, but I had to know. I slowly moved forward, pressing my lips to his. If he weren’t holding me upright, I would’ve fallen over.

Any hesitation he had quickly disappeared. Our hungry mouths quickly sought entrance to the other. Our tongues danced furiously together, and my hands found their way into Edward’s hair. He tasted and smelled so amazing, so familiar, and so safe.

Our lips eventually separated and we both clung to each other like there was nothing left in the world. Tears sprang to my eyes, but I wasn’t sure why. Maybe because I knew that I loved him, and I knew it was wrong.

Edward held me firmly to him, and I struggled to lean back enough to whisper in his ear. “Edward, I love you. I’m sorry I’m not ready yet, but I love you. Don’t give up on us, not yet.”

Edward pulled back to look me in the eyes. His eyes were sparkling in the moonlight. “I won’t give up, Bella,” he whispered. “You and Masen are the world to me.”

A small smile displayed across my face, and I reached up to kiss him on the cheek, unsure if my heart would survive another lip lock. “We should go, I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Edward nodded his head. “Can I walk you home?”

I smiled shyly. “Of course.”

We walked hand in hand back inside the building, and our hands didn’t separate until we were at the entrance to our apartment.

Edward’s hand caressed my check, and he kissed the top of my head. “Goodnight, Bella.”

“Goodnight, Edward.” I turned, went inside, and wondered what the hell just happened.

**CHAPTER 18 - CLICK HERE**